Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies

8 May
Today at school was kind of hard.

I feel like an attention-whore or something when I’m sad about it. You know what I mean, how when someone dies all of a sudden *everyone* acts like they were super close? Well just to clarify that’s not what I’m trying to do at all.

It’s just so sad and strange.

To see her friends crying in the hall, or when they get up to leave class because they are crying so hard.

Just to hear everyone talking about it, all the different rumors going around and it’s hard to know what’s true.

And then how some people just found out today. This girl Allie ran out of first period because she hadn’t known yet and she was just shocked. They went on the Costa Rica tri ptogether.

And other people who just found out today were so nonchalant about it, like, “Oh yeah the sophomore girl who killed herself? I heard she was on drugs.” then go back to everyday conversation. So casual and they don’t even seem to realize how big of a deal it is.

Every time I drive by her house or the bridge (and I’ve had to drive by both multiple times since I found out) I just get chills.

Every time it came up, actually, I got chills.

In APLA we were reading this poem.

Childhood Is the Kingdom Where Nobody Dies
Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age
The child is grown, and puts away childish things.
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.

Nobody that matters, that is. Distant relatives of course
Die, whom one never has seen or has seen for an hour,
And they gave one candy in a pink-and-green stripéd bag,
or a jack-knife,
And went away, and cannot really be said to have lived at all.

And cats die. They lie on the floor and lash their tails,
And their reticent fur is suddenly all in motion
With fleas that one never knew were there,
Polished and brown, knowing all there is to know,
Trekking off into the living world.
You fetch a shoe-box, but it’s much too small, because she won’t
curl up now:
So you find a bigger box, and bury her in the yard, and weep.
But you do not wake up a month from then, two months
A year from then, two years, in the middle of the night
And weep, with your knuckles in your mouth, and say Oh, God! Oh, God!
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies that matters,

—mothers and fathers don’t die.

And if you have said, “For heaven’s sake, must you always
be kissing a person?”
Or, “I do wish to gracious you’d stop tapping on the window
with your thimble!”
Tomorrow, or even the day after tomorrow if you’re busy having fun,
Is plenty of time to say, “I’m sorry, mother.”

To be grown up is to sit at the table with people who have died,
who neither listen nor speak;
Who do not drink their tea, though they always said
Tea was such a comfort.

Run down into the cellar and bring up the last jar of raspberries;
they are not tempted.
Flatter them, ask them what was it they said exactly
That time, to the bishop, or to the overseer, or to Mrs. Mason;
They are not taken in.
Shout at them, get red in the face, rise,
Drag them up out of their chairs by their stiff shoulders and
shake them and yell at them;
They are not startled, they are not even embarrassed; they slide
back into their chairs.

Your tea is cold now.
You drink it standing up,
And leave the house.

– Edna St.Vincent Millay

And reading it today was a lot to take. I just kept thinking of Maren even though it’s not even talking about suicide, but it just made everything seem more real. The italics is kind of how I feel. I’ve never had someone die who I knew. My grandma died but I never saw her. Even though I never hung out with Maren or anything, I saw her every single day. I’ve had other people die, like in March when a guy from my school killed himself and I heard about it but I didn’t know him and I was just like, oh, that’s really sad. It kind of affected me like a sad movie: you’re sad while you hear about it but then you pretty much forget and the only reason you’re sad is for the people who were affected more directly. But this is more than a sad movie.

It’s weird to think that this girl I saw in the halls every day I’ll never see again. That someone who was so alive three days ago is dead now.

I am a T.A. in the career center 6th period, but today when I went in there, there was a whole table set up with pictures, flowers, cards and things for Maren. Then another table had markers and stuff on it so you could write her something if you wanted, and counselors were in there to talk and some girls were in there who were her friends.

I looked at the table for a few minutes. God, I just still can’t believe it. Like I said, she was so … alive … for lack of a better word. And now she’s not. I’ve seen those types of arrangements before: the table remembering someone with pictures and flowers and you can just tell from looking at it that the person died. But I don’t feel like she has. It’s just weird to see a table like that of someone I know.

Nothing else interesting happened today.

rest in peace.

Later 6 May
Rest in Peace Maren  – May 6, 2006

This morning when Kristen came into my room I could tell something bad had happened.

I didn’t know her that well, we were just acquaintances.

But even so she is the closest person to me that has ever killed themselves.

She jumped off a bridge. The last line of the blurb in the newspaper was “She landed in a parking lot beneath the bridge.” That just makes me sick to my stomach.

It’s so surreal. She seemed so happy. In Ceramics last semester she would talk all the time.

Her older sister is good friends with Kristen, so that’s how I found out. When we were little we would play together while our sisters played soccer, but nowadays I would just smile at her in the halls.

Her sister called Kristen this morning so that’s how I found out. She asked Kristen to let all their other friends know, because she didn’t feel like calling everyone.

Then throughout the day people started finding out, posting on myspace and everything.

It’s just incredibly sad. I don’t even know her that well and I’m still really affected by it. I can’t imagine if it was someone I knew even better.

She did gymnastics, track, and swimming. She had so many friends. She went to Costa Rica this spring break with the school. I just don’t get it; she seemed happy.

Everyone is going to be talking about it at school. Constantly. This is the second time someone at our school has killed themselves since March.

And her family is never going to be the same.

I can’t decide if I think suicide is either a vicious cycle, because when one person kills themselves the people close to them just don’t think life is worth living without them, or something that affects everyone and convinces people to never kill themselves, because it makes them realize how hard it is for everyone else.

Her family is just the nicest family. She is the youngest. The middle daughter has down’s syndrome, and then Kristen’s friend is the oldest. The parents are so sweet.

Apparently on Friday night she was at the beach and was drinking. Then she got dropped off at a friends house near the bridge. So it happened early Saturday morning. I also heard she was coked out but who knows how much of a rumor that is.

Tonight there was a gathering thing near where she jumped. People put flowers, candles, and pictures on a step. There were a lot of people there, maybe like 100. I’m glad I went, it made me feel better actually. Even though it was really sad and I cried, I’m glad I went.

Seeing her friends was what got me the most. When one of her friends walked up, she could hardly walk up because she was crying so hard. They are so brave for even being there at all. I don’t think I would ever be able to stop crying if Marina or Michelle or someone killed themselves. It was just really really sad, but I’m glad I went.

Anyway, R.I.P. Maren. You’ll be missed.

oh, happy day

7 May
I feel so so satisfied with yesterday.

Totally a different mood than I was in on Friday … or for the last two weeks.

I hadn’t been this happy since I was in Spain, but before that I don’t even remember. Maybe the first day of winter break? It had been a long time.

What I did yesterday … a lot!

In the morning I just lounged around and talked to my family. They left around noon to go to a wedding that I probably should’ve gone to but my mom let me get out of it.

So … I went to the store first. Printed my pictures from Spain! And now I can put them up around my room and on my binder and in frames.
Also I got this new mascara that I love already. Uh but now I can’t think of the brand. I love it though, that’s what matters, haha.

I came home and got ready then went to pick up Marina and we went to Michelle’s.

Okay, can I just tell you how much I missed Marina and Michelle. Together. With JUST them. I hadn’t hung out with JUST them in AGES. And we used to be like a threesome, best friends, always together. Summer between freshman and sophomore year. My mom would ask who I was hanging out with and it got to be “MarinaMichelle.” one word. And for awhile it hadn’t been as comfortable because Marina hooked up with Devin … but now they are pretty much good. Ahh it was just so nice. I’m so comfortable around both of them. And that is when I like Marina best, either with just me or just me and Michelle. And we all get along so well and want to do the same things and laugh together and reminisce about freshman and sophomore year and can talk about anything and always think the same things. It was funny because I had had practically the same conversations with both of them about different things (like Vanni and how she bugs us, Eta and Elyse, etc, just everything) and it would come up yesterday and I’d be like, “Yeah I already know you both agree because I had this conversation with both of you.” But they hadn’t known they agreed. Ah, I don’t know. It was just refreshing and I love them.

So after being at Michelle’s for a few minutes, we decided we were hungry so we went to get wraps. Yum.

After that we didn’t really know what to do and I had wanted to go shopping and they didn’t mind so we went to the mall. I just felt like accessory shopping. I got two necklaces from Nordstrom. Both are gold and one is just really long with some beads on it and the other has a bird thing on the end. Hard to describe though. Then two earrings. One bright blue pair of hoops that look like they’re from the 80s, and then one gold dangly pair. I also got brown leggings to wear under jean skirts.

Then at the Gap I got a headband that is white and striped, so me. I also got this bag that was in Gap Kids but I could totally wear it normally. It’s bright blue and has a yellow sparkly seahorse and yellow straps. It’s cute. :) And I got a ring.

At that point Aiden called us and had two tickets to a baseball game, so he was inviting Marina. But Marina said we should come, too, and just buy some tickets there. So we did … Oh and I drove I was proud of myself. :) I had never driven to the field before. Oh and Aiden had a parking pass so we got to park in the parking garage, for free. Yay. Michelle and I bought some $14 tickets. For the first part of the game we couldn’t sit with them because they were checking tickets, so we sat up in the outfield and just talked and stuff. We didn’t really care. Then like halfway through Marina texted us that they weren’t checking tickets anymore so we went down there. It was section 133 like right behind home plate so that was nice. And we actually WON! I must be good luck. The score was 4-1, so that was fun! And it just felt like Summer, ah.

Then I drove us back to Michelle’s. On the way home I had to drive on the freeway which I had only done like 3 times so that was exciting! It was fine though and they didn’t know I hadn’t done it a lot. After Aiden left at Michelle’s it was just Marina, Michelle, and I again. :) Other people kept calling us throughout the night but we never answered because we just wanted it to be us. Is that mean? Kind of exclusive but I think it’s understandable.

Michelle had some strawberries so we melted chocolate chips and dipped the chocolate in them! And we took some cute pictures. We rented Two Weeks Notice and watched that while we at the strawberries. Yummy! Even though I had just watched Two Weeks Notice last weekend, I didn’t care because it’s such a cute movie anyways. I LOVE HUGH GRANT. I think I want to buy that movie, it’s so cute.

Then I drove Marina home and then came home. It was such a fun day. Ahh I was so HAPPY. And I still am, because this is the first time in awhile I’ve actually been satisfied with my weekend AND I don’t have too much homework to do today.

a failing perfectionist

6 May
The past week I’ve been in an I-hate-the-world mood.

I hate: school, most people at my school, teachers, work, stress, overcast weather, the list goes on …

AP Tests are over now. Thank God.

However I still don’t feel the relief I thought I would feel when they were over.

Most of my teachers were “putting stuff off” until after the AP tests so I’m going to have just as much work to do in the next week as I did in the last week.

AP Tests were impossibly hard and I’m just not perfect enough to do well on them.

The past week I’ve really felt the pressure to be perfect and GAH.

Elyse & Eta annoy me. So does Vanni but with Vanni I actually feel like I want to be friends with her in the long run (well, kinda). With Elyse and Eta I just feel done.

But I have to be fake towards them. If I acted how I felt I would be a huge bitch. So I’m just fake-ish.

They’re just … indescribable. I don’t think everyone feels like reading a novel, and I don’t feel like writing one, so you’ll just have to trust me that they’re incredibly annoying.

They’re so PERFECT and think they’re above everyone, for one. I’ll just leave it at that.

School has been so stressful. On top of feeling the need to be perfect (and failing) … gah.

The APLA test: I studied the day before. I know I should’ve started earlier. But I just could never motivate myself or make myself. So I started on Sunday. I studied a lot on Sunday, though.

The test on Monday was … hard. I didn’t finish the multiple choice section. The essays were alright.

The APUSH test: I started studying on Tuesday. Did a group study with Michelle, Vanni, Alice, and Andrea and that was helpful. Studied what I felt like was a lot, but I always felt like I could do more and it was very overwhelming.

The test was today. It was hard. The multiple choice was hard. My essays were crap. Of course other people (more perfect people) probably thought it was easy and that just makes me sad.

I don’t mean to feel all oh-feel-sorry-for-me, but that’s how it’s turning out.

For Academy of Finance I was supposed to have an interview on Wednesday (which was just adding to my stress GOD) but it got canceled and I didn’t find out til Wednesday during the day, so that sucked. It was good and bad that it got canceled: good because it took some stress off, and bad because I’m just going to have to make it up …

In Pre-calc I have the lowest grade I’ve had all year. It’s like a B-. GOD. Major stressor here. And my teacher has been being an ass. He’s just crabby. I won’t go into specifics because I never do anymore but GRR he aggrivates me so much.

Even though my grade was so high in that class last quarter that I can still get like a B- and get an A in the class for the semester. But it would really bother me to get a bad grade when I know I CAN do better. I’ve never gotten below like an 86% or so in a class! Not that it makes a difference, it’ll just say “B” and it won’t even be on my transcript but STILL. I’m just a perfectionist but a failing one. It’s hard to be a failing perfectionist!!

My mom says I’m being too hard on myself (in general) but I can’t help it. It’s like, last year I was kind of good but right now I’m slipping back into that perfectionist-comparing myself to everyone mentality that I had freshman year and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s not like I can just tell myself not to care because I DO care. And I thought it would get better after AP tests, but we’ll see …

Anyways. Chemistry is also kind of stressing me out, but not because of my grade, that’s fine, but because I have old old missing assignments that I need to just get DONE and turn them in, but I can’t seem to get around to them. Maybe now that AP tests are over (see what I mean? I just keep putting things off until after the tests).

This week was also stressful because I kept having to retake/take/makeup/finish tests/homework/etc before school, during break, during lunch, and after school. So I didn’t get to do things I had wanted to do. Like talk to my friends since we’re drifting apart or go to club meetings.

Like this one club that is a mentoring thing that’s coming to my school. Upperclassmen mentor freshman and it looks cool. I think it sounds cute. :) They need 40 from my class, and I definitely think I’m in the top 40 of my class …

Of course, to get support for the program started, they had teachers recommend some students. You didn’t have to be recommended to do it, but it got people to know what it is and stuff. I didn’t get recommended. :( Stupid people like Mya did. That was just annoying.

Oh! And then there was Key Club/NHS nominating and voting for next years’ officers.

So on Tuesday I had Key Club. I’m secretary this year so I knew I wanted to run for something again next year. It makes sense, RIGHT, to be something like secretary one year and then run for VP or something higher the next? (Not that it matters what I am because Eta, the president, doesn’t include me in any of the planning or anything)

Well, I get to the meeting on Tuesday and I have second lunch. A ton of people have first lunch so they had already decided who was running for what in that lunch.

Keep in mind that Charla is NOT stupid or clueless or any way whatsoever and she CANNOT play that card because she got a 2340 on her SAT and well, she just isn’t stupid. So she knew I wanted to run for VP.

AND she is already running for President of NHS and will probably win.

But I get there and she is running for VP! UGH. And I didn’t want to run against her because we’re such good friends. And then Eta is running for president again and Elyse is running for treasurer. So I’m left to run for … secretary again. GREAT! And even that I have to run against Kim, who I like and don’t want to run against. But they left me no choice!! It just made me so mad because gee, my friends in first lunch REALLY left me no room to be a Key Club officer at all next year.

Maybe I just won’t run. Cross my name off the list. What kind of a club would it be run by Eta, Charla, and Elyse, anyway? Super perfect and … can’t think of the word … just making people feel bad about themselves 24/7 on every scale possible. Maybe I don’t even want to be in it next year. Will it REALLY make that much of a difference on college apps? Hmmm …

That just pissed me way off.

Oh, and then, I was saying how I didn’t want to run against Charla and Fer was like, “I will!” which just made me mad because even though I’m annoyed-ish with Charla at the moment, Fer was more than willing to run against Charla which just pisses me off. People dislike Charla for no reason. It just seems like since I generally like the same types of people, and I like both of them a lot, they could like each other. It’s not like any event happened between them that is making Fer hold a grudge. But nooo, she just can’t like Charla.

Then on Wednesday NHS elections were held.

For president: Charla vs. Elyse
GOD I didn’t really want to vote for either of them. I was tempted to not vote. But I knew that in the long run, even though I’m a tad annoyed with Charla for now, I would rather have a club run by her than Elyse.

For treasurer: Kim vs. Jillian
I wanted to vote for Jillian and know she would do a better job. But now that I’m running against Kim for NHS … I just feel kind of bad for running against her because we’re friends-ish and I would be kind of upset if someone I thought I was friends-ish was running against me. And it would be sad if she lost both. So I voted for her. Then again, if she wins both, that would be even worse for me. Hmm.

In the other areas of friends …

Marina and I are good. Michelle and I are pretty good, but she has all these other friends that she has made since we have been drifting apart and that bothers me. Not like bothers me enough to do anything about it like be really jealous, just makes me sad that me and Michelle don’t have all the same friends anymore. That my group in general is/has splitting/split up.

I guess MY group of friends used to be THE group, and everyone was friends with everyone. Now MY group of friends is about a billion different little groups, and it’s complicated when people don’t like other people and then certain little groups are also part of another little group that I’m not part of …

For example, Fer doesn’t like Charla. Charla doesn’t dislike Fer but they aren’t friends (but that’s all Fer’s doing). Marina doesn’t like Fer and vice versa. Vanni doesn’t like Charla and Charla doesn’t know this but gets annoyed with Vanni. Marina didn’t used to like Charla (AT ALL) but now they get along very well (that = happy happy happy). Michelle and Marina were in a fight for awhile (about Devin stuff) and are getting better. It’s just complicated … I can’t hang out with ALL my good friends at once like I used to be able to.

It’s like there’s no group anymore. I think of a group like how we used to be. For example Vanni’s birthday party would be the same people as Fer’s birthday party and as my birthday party because we all had the same friends. And those parties would just be like any other weekend because we all hung out together all the time anyway.

I guess some diversity is good, but …

Then there’s boys.

Or lack thereof.

In my last entry (I think it was) I talked about how there are no boys I could like (all I want is to LIKE someone, make life a little more interesting. PLEASE that’s all I’m asking for). That night I looked through the yearbook for possibilities and I found three, count em THREE, boys I could crush on. One was this kid in my Chemistry class who’s name I can’t think of right now. He’s just cute and I don’t know anything about him so that’s appealing.

Two was this kid who I have seen like TWICE in the hall, and he is very cute and from what I know about him seems nice. Unreachable though, since I don’t know him at all or know anymore who knows him or ever talk to him or see him.
Three is a senior in my Chemistry class who I think is cute and seems nice. Just found out he asked Stephani to prom though, so that crosses that one off the list.

GOD. The sad thing is even if cute/better guys DID go to my school, they would get like gobbled up by other girls who are ______er than me (prettier, flirtier, smarter, etc). Pessimissic, I know.

Speaking of prom, Elyse is going. One more thing to add to the list of why she is so perfect, and she knows it. That’s the annoying part, that she knows it and flaunts it and brags and is frickin annoying. Eta on the otherhand is just really really self righteous. I thought of her when I was studying for the APUSH test and the South thought the North had too many -isms (feminism, abolitionism, etc). It just made me think of her.

AND Michelle got asked to prom but said no (idiot!). Lots of other junior girls are going. To go along with the theme of this entry: just makes me feel bad, inferior …

Finally, there is family.

Katherine is home this weekend for her friend’s wedding.

I might go to the wedding, but I don’t really want to. Weddings bore me like no other if I don’t know the person that well [anymore]. Yeah, I’ve known her since I was born but what do I really know about her TODAY? That she is pregnant with this guys kid so they are having a rush wedding and that I would have to figure out what to wear and how to make small talk with random people I haven’t seen in forever. Yeah, probably not going.

Plus, it’s the day right after the AP test and the only reason I would go to this wedding would be to TRY to get drunk. Because that is my goal for sometime in the near future.

Kristen was SO ANNOYING tonight. I had to pick her up from the bar because she couldn’t drive. But then on the way home she was saying how she might go out again later. Why the heck did I pick you up then?! And then she decided ice cream. We got to the place, she changed her mind. We got home, she stayed in the car and told Katherine to stay and didn’t start talking til I closed my door. Gee, thanks. Glad to see we’re still in seventh grade. And I could HEAR them, because she is a drunken idiot. Kristen wanted to go back out with Katherine but didn’t think I would want to drive them or something. And she was saying how alll her friends would be so happy to see Katherine. I’m glad she considers me a friend, too. Because she definitely doesn’t. She STILL sees me as her immature little sister and just doesn’t care. I consider her one of my best friends, but whatever.

Katherine was kind of annoying too. Whenever we go somewhere together, she uses the time in the car (and sometimes that’s the only time where WE could get to talk because it’s just us) to return all her phone calls. This means 1) we don’t get to talk and it just seems like she doesn’t care, 2) I have to turn down the radio so she can hear and 3) I have to listen to her stupid annoying sorority sister gossip.

In other news, apparently Dahlia is moving in with us. I only heard this second hand (in one of Katherine’s phone calls today). I’m so glad my family tells me things and updates me! That is all I know, really. Dahlia’s mom is moving out of her apartment because she can’t afford rent (on top of chemo) and into her other daughter’s apartment (who probably can’t afford to take care of/feed/etc her mom because she isn’t that well off either) and Dahlia is moving in here. Or something. I don’t know. It’s just sad. Dahlia isn’t herself. And I don’t feel the same way about her. I still love her (unconditionally) but I’m not all like “Aw I love Dahlia she’s so nice!” all the time. I’m just, meh whatever. I don’t feel like she ever considered me a great friend anyway. Kristen is “the only one who understands” her.

One more thing. I need to change the vibe I give off to people, apparently. Lately I keep finding out that people always think I’m mad or sad or rolling my eyes at them or snobby or SOMEthing, and I totally don’t even feel that way all the time. I think I roll my eyes because my eyes are dry. Well, sometimes it’s definitely intended but not ALWAYS. I don’t know. People just think I’m … not happy or friendly.

sigh. tomorrow is a me day. I hope hope hope it’s nice out so I can sit outside and just RELAX.

Oh, PS. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t even watched Idol yet from this week! Tuesday night’s, I mean. I kind of watched Wednesday. THAT RIGHT THERE IS EXTREME.

missing something that was never there.

29 April
God my internet has been annoying lately. It only works like half the time and is slow. I don’t know what’s wrong.

I feel kind of blah right now.

Let’s see, this week.

Ugh for the Finance internship I found out I have a group interview on Wednesday. I do not want to do a group interview. Only this company does group ones (that I know of) and I could always say I can’t go (just have to decide a day in advance) because more interviews/opportunities for internships will be coming later.

But then like, what if I don’t get an internship later? And I regret not going to this one? And what if it’s not that bad, and it’s probably a good experience for later on.

I hate making decisions. I wish I had someone to make this one for me. Because I know I should go and I’ve got nothing to lose, but I REALLY don’t want to. ugh.

Eta and Elyse have been annoying me like no other recently.

One, they’re so above everyone else and think they’re better than everyone. They think they’re the smartest people ever and the most morally correct people ever. And those types of people annoy me. Just be REAL, geez. Everything they do has to be soo PC and just “the right thing” and they totally judge other people constantly and you can FEEL it. Also they’re attached at the hip and even though they’re all about being nice and everything that goes along with that, they’re not so good at being inclusive and making other people feel good. They want to be, but they aren’t.

And I have two classes with both of them in them: APLA and Pre-Calc. And then APUSH with just Elyse.

Here is one, just one example of what they are like in each of these classes.

In APUSH we got a practice test back. There are 80 multiple choice questions but our teacher just made it out of 50 because otherwise it would’ve brought down people’s grades too much. And she went, “So for those of you who got more than 50, you just got 50 in the gradebook.” And Elyse calls out, “We don’t get extra credit?!” Ugh just the way she said it and the fact that she said it, like she had to advertise the fact that she got more than 50 and she thinks she’s so smart. And I know that was the reason because she doesn’t even NEED extra credit. She has like a 98% in that class and it will never go below that.

They’re just really annoying lately.

In pre-calc … I have a B- for this quarter right now. But the quarter just started and we’ve only had like 6 assignments. Four homeworks and two quizzes. On one of the quizzes I got a D (=\ I need to make that up) and the other an A-, so I guess it averages out out 80%. Blah. That kinda sucks.

In Chemistry I have an A and it’s going well and everything. I finally took the test that I missed while I was in Spain and handed in the packet, but I didn’t do the labs. So my quarter grade probably won’t be great, but it’s just a progress report so whatever.

Ugh the test was so hard though. I took it yesterday after school.
1. It was just hard, period.
2. My teacher and student teacher kept talking. And talking, and talking, and talking.
3. Allie was in there getting help and was really distracting.
4. Various people kept coming in to ask for help or just TALK. PEOPLE, GO HOME. They didn’t even have to be there and they still were on a Friday after school?!
5. It was a Friday after school and it was sunny out and I wanted to go home.
6. Charla, Michelle, and Marina were waiting for me and I just wanted to go be with them!
7. They didn’t have to wait for me and I didn’t tell them to, but they did and it put pressure on me to hurry up because I was in there a LONG time. But then that pressure just made me work slower.
8. Apparently I never got 2 worksheets from the packet, so when those types of questions were on the test, I didn’t know how to do them.

It was just a bad experience & I think I did bad & I was in a bad mood when I was done. Bad, what a descriptive word, right?

I had a dentist/orthodontist (they’re the same person for me) appointment on Tuesday. I have no cavities, but I have to go in AGAIN (and I HATE going there) next Tuesday to get my retainer fixed or maybe a new one. God.

Then I had an eye doctor appointment on Thursday and basically, I’m blind. I wear Acuvue 2 contact lenses. And apparently, that brand doesn’t make the contact lenses strong enough for me. So we’re switching brands to another one that is allowed to make contacts for a higher prescription. GOD Why am I so messed up? It’s funny and it’s not my fault but it’s just like, geez. I have the worst vision ever.

Yesterday after school Marina came over and we talked and that was nice. Very nice. Then Lucy came and we talked some more, then we met Michelle and Charla downtown to see American Dreamz. It was okay. I mean it was funny but kind of ridiculous, but then again I didn’t expect it to be that good. Then we (+ Devon) went back to Lucy’s and hung out. Fun. Charla gave me and Michelle a ride home.

In the car we were talking about colleges (always comes up) and I just CAN’T do that with Michelle. She is so clueless and it really annoys me when people think they know what they’re talking about but they really don’t. And people just get it into their heads that they want to go to Scripps or UCLA or Stanford JUST because they’ve heard about those schools. They don’t know anything about them. I just can’t have those conversations with Michelle, it bugs me too much.

And then after we dropped Michelle off, Charla told me that Eta was like, “Lucy won’t tell what she got on the SATs because she thinks she did bad. And neither will Corinne.” And Charla said, “Well I don’t think it’s because Corinne did bad, she just wants it to be private.” Charla knows that obviously but she couldn’t tell Eta that. And I don’t know … haha … is it weird that it just gives me some sort of satisfaction to be able to not tell Eta? Because it does. It really does. Eta bothers meeee.

And this entry has been almost completely about school. It takes over my life. In one week I will be done with AP tests and life will be better. Maybe? I feel kind of blah right now and I don’t know why.

Later
Late night update, yay.

Today I basically did nothing all day. pretty much.

I … went to Office Max with my mom. I cleaned my room. I went on the computer. It rained a lot outside.

I rented Two Weeks Notice and watched it with my mommy. <3 I love that movie, so cute.

And now I’ve just been on the computer for awhile …

I was looking around on myspace and just looking at all these people’s pages.

Does this ever happen to anyone where you’re on myspace or something and you just get really … nostalgic? I don’t know if that’s the right word. Kind of.

Nostalgic because I miss old friends that I’ve lost touch with.

And even if I don’t care to be friends with the person anymore, just sad in general because everyone seems so … happy on myspace.

I guess nostalgic because I was looking at this group of freshman girls’ myspaces and they just seemed so carefree and fun and simple. They haven’t hit AP classes or colleges or any of that stuff yet. There group hasn’t split up into little groups yet, they’re still all best friends. I just miss all that. Even though freshman year sucked so I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Maybe I don’t miss it because it never was like that, I just wish it would be like that? I don’t know I’m being really vague.

It just makes me sad and I wish my life could be more like other people’s sometimes.

And this girl (Lauren is the specific girl, and her group of friends. she is my old neighbor but we never talk anymore) has/had a boyfriend … well I can’t tell if they still go out or not because both their pages say single, but there are pictures of them together and people commented with things saying they’re cute. And they comment on each others’ pages and end with “i love you”. So I don’t know.

But just the fact that she has this guy she’s really close to and she has all these great friends and they seem really close and know each other really well and just get along, and they are a fun group of girls. I’m just jealous. Not like bad jealous, I’m happy for her but I wish my life could be more like that.

She’s had a boyfriend and said I love you and I haven’t …

And I want a boyfriend or something but only because I feel like I’m missing out on that. I want to fall in love and have a relationship and all that stuff. I feel like every one else is experiencing this thing and I’m just missing out.

But 1) I’m really feeling so uninspired when it comes to guys right now. I don’t like anyone AT ALL right now. British boy? no. Tony? noooo. Brent? NOOOOO. And I don’t have anyone else in my mind that I would consider. and 2) even if I did like someone, it’s not like I would do anything about it. I’m too shy.

That’s just … depressing. I like the idea of having a boyfriend but I can’t think of anyone I would want to be my boyfriend.

The nice guys are my school are completely shy and antisocial or just plain strange. The cute/outgoing guys are jerks or just not accessible for me because I don’t know them or talk to them or I’m just not their … type.

Anyway, though.

I didn’t study for APLA or APUSH at all today. I’m really bad. God, I don’t even want to think about those or school or friends or anything.

I want to drink. I haven’t since I was in Spain, and even there I never got like really drunk, just buzzed. Sooo I think next weekend, after the AP tests are OVER and Katherine will be home (for her friend’s wedding) … hmmmm … I think that needs to happen.

Other than that … that’s pretty much all.

11/16ths done.

24 April
Today was an okay day.

This morning before school I checked my SAT scores.

Here is what all my scores look like so far:

PSAT October 2004: 520 Reading, 570 Math, ? Writing
Practice SAT September 2005: 570 Reading, 520 Math, 720 Writing, 1810 Total.
PSAT October 2005: 600 Reading, 600 Math, 680 Writing, 1880 Total.
SAT April 2006: 630 Reading, 620 Math, 630 Writing, 1880 Total.

So it’s an improvement for Reading and Math, but the writing went down enough to make up for it. Oh well. My excuse is that the writing is so arbitrary that it just shouldn’t count … so it would be 1200 improved to 1250, and that’s good, right? Whatever I’m happy with it.

Of course, at school everyone was talking about it. Eta asked me what I got first thing in the morning (she got a 1960) and I said I didn’t want to tell. Which probably made her and everyone who was there think I did bad. I’d rather have them think I did bad and then be pleasantly surprised than have them think I did good and be disappointed. But I just took satisfaction in being able to not tell them. They’re just too competitive and preoccupied with it. Them being Eta, Elyse, and Michelle.

I only told Charla and Lucy what I got. Charla because … she’s Charla and why not tell her? I can trust her and I don’t feel like she’s judging me, and Lucy because she doesn’t intimidate me. Plus I wanted to know what she got, because she took a $900 Princeton Review Class so I wanted to see if it helped. I don’t think it did $900 worth. She got 640 math, and she didn’t tell me what the other two were but they were less than me.

Charla got 2300. GENIUS. She was really happy though so I’m happy for her. All day everyone was all, “Did you hear what Charla got? OMG She’s not human!!” Just be happy for her, geez. She got 800 Reading, and then 740 and 760 on the other two but I don’t know which goes with which.

And I don’t really know what everyone else got because since I didn’t want to tell what I got, I couldn’t very fairly ask everyone what they got. Even though I’m a hypocrite because I want to know what other people got but I don’t want to tell. oh, well.

Ugh, but I have to take the SATs again in June. Because I haven’t taken a class yet, I’m taking it in May after the AP tests. So then it made the most sense to take the SATs immediately after to get the most benefit from the class. I’d rather take the SAT than an AP test, though.

Also, while I was looking for what my old PSAT scores were from Sophomore year and I found a really depressing journal entry about when we thought the trip to Spain was getting canceled. Oh man that sucked. Looking back on it now, after I’ve gone to Spain … it’s just sort of ironic. I remember feeling then like I would never get to go and if I ever did it was really far away. But now I’ve already gone and come back and that doesn’t even seem that long ago! But it was. Man, I remember how disappointed I was. That really sucked.

In APLA today we had to write an in class essay. The APLA test is in ONE WEEK. Shoot. I’m scared for that. The essay today wasn’t that bad, though. At least I didn’t think so, but we’ll see when I get my grade …

And in Chemistry I have the highest grade in the class … :D Higher than Claire, don’t know how that happened!! But of course he still has a lot of stuff to add, a lot of stuff that I probably didn’t do that well on, so we’ll see. I have a 96.4%, though.

Today I didn’t have to go to 6th period, TA, because the lady I TA for wasn’t there so I could just leave. So I came home at 1:20 and laid outside in the sun until 3 and evened my tan out a bit. Or should I say evened my burn out a bit, but it’ll turn to tan … right?

UGH I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. That is my least favorite thing in the world. The six months between appointments always go so fast. Tomorrow when I arrange my next appointment for October, I’ll be relieved because October is SO far away. I mean, it’s after an entire Summer and well into my senior year of high school. But then before I know it, it’ll be September and I’ll have to start flossing again …

Speaking of Summer … I think it’s the beginning of the fourth quarter right now. Only one quarter left and it should be one of the easier ones once the AP tests are over. And I’ve made it through 11/16ths of high school. Only 5 left, hallelujah …

Okay well, I better get back to Chemistry. byyye …

back to reality

23 April
I’ve been busy busy busy.

I miss Spain. A lot. I miss being there. I miss the sun. I miss being close with the 7 or 8 other junior girls on the trip. I miss Nancy. I just want to go back!

And it made it suck to come back even more to have alll this shit to catch up on. I’ve been so stressed this week. Still am …

AP tests are coming up and I’m dreading them like no other.

In APUSH we took a practice multiple choice one and I got 36 right, 23 wrong, and skipped 21. The example she gave got 40 right and she said most of the class will be around there. So at least I’m not that far from average. I think I’ll be better on the actual test because 1) I will have studied and 2) I won’t have been in Spain for 10 days, blocking US History out of my mind.

Let’s seee. I saw Friends with Money. Love Jennifer. The movie was a bit strange, but I liked it. Even though it was depressing and kind of confirmed my views about love/marriage/life. So I don’t know.

And I read Just Listen. It was waiting for me when I came back from Spain, a surprise, because I had pre-ordered it on Amazon a long time ago and then forgotten about it.

I read it pretty fast, for me (slow reader, and busy doesn’t make for reading books very fast, or often anymore). Do you know when the last book I read for pleasure was? Because I don’t. I think … oh … the Virgin Suicides in AUGUST. Geez. And I used to read so much. :( I hate you school for taking over my life.

Just Listen was good. My favorite Sarah Dessen books, though, are still Dreamland, Keeping the Moon, and the Truth About Forever. I don’t know why, those are just my favorites.

It was kind of like This Lullaby for me: good and everything, and I was into it, but I couldn’t always relate to it as much as the other books. It was cute though. Sometimes I wanted to SHAKE her, though. For not trying harder to stay friends with Clarke in 7th grade. For not telling someone about Will. For leaving Bendo that night? What?! I didn’t even get why she would leave. She could’ve just TOLD Owen and he would’ve been understanding. I didn’t understand why she didn’t want to.

Other than that, honestly, it was great. I just didn’t understand why she did those things, and it bothered me.

I squealed when Wes and Macy, and then Dexter and Remy made an appearance! I loved the Wes & Macy one more, though, because 1) I liked them better and 2) it was more subtle, so I felt more special when I caught it. Never did get the Boo one, though …

Anyway, moving on. I’m sick. :( So I didn’t do anything yesterday or today except homework, read Just Listen, watch Friends, etc. Oh, today I did some homework outside for two hours and got some sun! Of course, it’s burn, but whatever. I don’t care, it’s something.

Ah, 4/20 came and went on … Thursday was it? yay for that. *sarcasm* I didn’t celebrate. This year it was SO different from last year. It was such a big deal last year! Everyone was high all day, and everyone wanted to smoke so they could say they did or whatever. And I did “celebrate” last year. But not this year. I honestly just don’t care, plus I don’t like smoking anymore so … if it were a drinking holiday, it’d be another thing!

Speaking of drinking though, I don’t even care about that as much as I used to. For now. Maybe my partying phase has moved on. It’s just that for the past year, if an opportunity to drink would come up, I would take it. And I did. But now, I won’t just drink ANYtime. Just when I feel like it, or when I think it’s going to be fun. I don’t know. I still like to drink, love it, I’m just a little over always wanting to do it all the time.

What else. Oh, Kristen is looking at apartments to move out. :( She annoys me and everything but I don’t want her to move out. I don’t want to be the only kid still left! That’s going to be so depressing, so quiet around the house.

And her and Dahlia are fighting, I think. She acts like they’re fine, but I know they had a little fight on Friday. And then, Kristen was here all day yesterday and all day today and Dahlia hasn’t been over at all. Which is RARE. She practically lives here, or so I thought.

Which makes me sad, because Kristen is my connection to Dahlia, and if they aren’t as good of friends any more, when will I ever see Dahlia? Or if Kristen moves out? Dahlia better come visit me or something! :(

Their fight was something about how Dahlia doesn’t like Kristen going out all the time (Dahlia isn’t 21 so she can’t go) and wishes Kristen would be there for her more in a time like this, or something. Which … all of it might be a little dramatic, but I love Dahlia. I don’t think she’s doing anything intentional to be dramatic, it’s just how she feels.

And her mom DOES have cancer, after all. I’m not really sure what’s going on with that.

Anyway, I better get back to homework. *sigh*