are you okay?

9 January, 2006

Today was okay. We had the APLA quiz and it was hard. And then we didn’t get to do our skit and get it over with, which is what I want to do.

In Pre-Calc we got this stupid project. I hate projects. They’re so middle school/freshman year, and luckily I’ve been able to go all of junior year so far with no projects that were TOO painful. But now this one. Ugh. But some of it is extra credit, which I don’t need in that class, so that’s good.

In Chemistry we had a lab. It’s really weird because we have a student teacher in that class, and he sits in the corner and observes. But he has only been here for like a week, and at least 2 or 3 times a day I look up and he is looking at me at that exact time too. It’s … weird. And today he watched me and Fer do our lab and was like, “You’re doing it wrong. I can tell.” He isn’t intimidating like some other student teachers but he just rubs me the wrong way.

Last week, Fer asked me if I think Vanni is “okay”. I had never thought about it before. Today Fer said she got a chance to talk to Vanni this weekend, and that just like a lot of little things are piling up and just depressing Vanni. She is pretty stressed with homework (understandable because she has a really hard schedule. Harder than me, and I’m probably smarter than her) and school in general. And she is sad that she has gained weight, and her and Matt’s relationship isn’t going that well, and she feels left out sometimes in the group, like not invited. (Fer told me this stuff).

I just feel bad, because I totally understand. Sometimes all these little things pile up and then when someone asks what’s wrong, you don’t want to mention just ONE of them because alone, it seems so insignificant. But when it’s all together it is bad and I just know how she feels.

I want her to know that I know how she feels and that I’m here for her but I don’t really know what to say. I TOTALLY understand though … but now I feel like if I say anything about it, I’m just being nosy or something because Fer noticed it first. Or, like, I’m just saying it because I want her to like me better than Fer or I want to look better than Fer, but that’s totally not how it is. I just want her to know I understand. I should just tell her.

Switching gears, now. In APLA we got essays back, I got a 6/7 (as in border between 6 or 7) out of 9. At first I thought it meant 6 OUT OF 7, and I was pretty proud of myself. But 6/7 is still good.

And in APUSH we got a study guide back, and I got a 10, which I hadn’t gotten in awhile. And next to one of my short answer questions she wrote, “Wow, this is totally amazing!” yay. 😀

And then she talked about her “date” on Friday. Haha that was cute.

In Ceramics I worked on my picture frame … but I’m so ready for that class to be over because I’m not determined at all anymore and all my stuff turns out crappy. It doesn’t matter because I still have a high A in the class, but it’s not good for my confidence, lol.

I was reading old entries from October – December 2004, because I was looking for something. It was weird, reading back, how much things have CHANGED in a little more than a year. Marina and I were not on good terms then, but I could tell just by reading it that we’ve both grown up a lot since then. Also, I was still friends with Anna and I wasn’t really with Charla yet. I considered Michelle my best friend. I always think that I’ve maintained the same friends throughout high school, but reading that proved that I really haven’t … I never even talk to Anna anymore. I don’t talk to Michelle half as much as I did then, and I talk to Charla 4598740587 times as much as I did then. Also, haha, I complained about how obsessed Marina was with drinking and yeah … now I understand.

Anyways, this is what I was looking for. It’s from when I went to the child psychiatrist place to get an evaluation or whatever. I wanted to know what they said.

And now I remember: they didn’t necessarily say I HAVE these, but they mentioned dysthymic disorder a lot and unspecified depression a lot. Good to know.

I didn’t really know then, but now I am thinking dysthymic disorder sounds about right. Because lately I have been thinking a lot about depression and whether I have it or not. It’s so hard to tell because my moods change so much and I don’t know, it’s just really hard to tell. I’ve been feeling down lately though. I don’t know.

Sorry for being so nondescript, but it’s pretty hard to describe. I was just curious, I guess, to what they said a year ago. If they said it a year ago, I wonder if it’s still the same? I think so, dysthymic disorder is supposed to be like, depressed, but not AS bad as actual depression … or something. And I don’t think I’ve felt bad enough to be considered really depressed so if anything, it would probably still be dysthymic disorder.

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