the sunshine of my life

22 February, 2006

I’m now on ski vacation with my family.

It IS gorgeous and the best place to ski. The skiing has been great. But other than that there isn’t much to do here … and my family is annoying.

I always get kinda depressed on family vacations … it’s hard when you can’t really get away from your family at all! And they are all over 21 so they’re like drinking and stuff.

Last night I was all depressed … I don’t know. I think a lot of it had to do with just being tired and bored.

Another thing though was … I wish I had as good of friends as Kristen does (Dahlia). They are SO close and so supportive of each other and best friends and everything. And for awhile I’ve been like I want to be better friends with Dahlia. And I am friends with her. She invited me to her birthday dinner thing, and I don’t think it’s going to be that big. And I don’t *think* she just sees me as Kristen’s little sister, she actually sees me as a friend. So that’s good. But I don’t really see us getting much closer than this and I don’t know why.

And I wish I had my own friends who I was that close with. I mean yeah I’m close with my friends but it’s different. And I always get myself thinking I don’t have great friends. But I don’t think they’re the problem … I just don’t really open up to them. Like last night when I was feeling depressed I wanted to talk to someone but I couldn’t think of anyone. I did text Marina and that helped a lot so that’s good. But usually I wouldn’t have done that … because I feel like people don’t understand or I just don’t want to tell them about it. SO I don’t know … I need to work on that I guess. But a lot of the time it’s just not something I want to talk about. I want to feel better but I’m not willing to talk about it because I feel like no one will understand.

And they always want to be around each other. I like my friends but I’m not like, I always want to be around you. And I always want to be around Dahlia, too. I just like being around her and like talking to her and everything. Like … getting a text or a message from her makes my day just that much better. 🙂  I mean I feel this way about Paula sometimes … it’s that sort of thing. Seeing Paula on TV or something makes me happy in the same way. But do people really ever feel this way about someone you know in real life? it seems weird to me. And that’s one of the things I feel like my friends won’t understand.

And another thing is … well, there is this drama with Kristen and her friends. Like Molly talked about Kristen to Dahlia or something, and now there is ALL this drama.

When I hear Kristen and Dahlia talking about it to each other, they seem to think it is SUCH a big deal. And I know it’s not good to talk about your friends … but really everyone has to vent sometimes. That’s how I see it. The way they talk about the drama though makes me feel bad for talking about my friends occasionally … and I’m all confused because I don’t think it’s THAT big of a deal. I don’t know. I was going to try not to talk about my friends as much anymore, and I still might do that, because I don’t want them to think I’m a mean person or anything. But I don’t know …

I’m confused and I’m having trouble expressing how I feel today, so I’m just gonna stop here.

(2010 me here: In retrospect, I am still friends with most of my high school friends, while my sister is not. I just didn’t realize how great my friends were. =] )


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