too much

13 March
bahhh. my mood is kind of down right now.

Today was alright.

I had three hours of APUSH. But it’s better than having three hours of APLA, which I have tomorrow.

And then I had Finance, which was pointless as usual, and pre-calc.

Pre-calc was fine. Except for that my teacher pissed me off … other than that I was in a good mood. Everything was really easy to laugh at that period.

I got a 23/25 on the quiz we had on Friday, so that is good.

After school I hung out a little with Marina, Devon, and Brent, who stole $2 from me. Grr. His justification is that he didn’t drink that much on Friday so he shouldn’t have to pay me the full $7, just $5. But no, that’s not the way it works. But I’ll get it back.

After school I had tutoring, which I want to quit because I just don’t care anymore. I’m going to stop doing it after April 3rd.

And now I’m home. I love test scheduling because we don’t have every single class every day, so nothing is ever due the very next day. It’s nice.

Dahlia isn’t coming over tonight. And Kristen has strep so she’s going to bed soon, and the rest of the house is in Sun Valley. I hate it when the house is this quiet! It depresses me. I wish Dahlia were here. It’s not like I’d even necessarily hang out with her if she was (though I probably would) but I just like her being here. But she’s not, and the house is too quiet and it makes me feel blah. And I hate having my happiness depend on other people.

Later: Meh, apparently I still feel like talking.

I hate the way Kristen sees me.

I heard her talking on the phone with Dahlia just now. And Kristen was talking about how she has strep, and how she is going to bed right now without even eating dinner.

And Dahlia probably said something along the lines of, “What about Corinne?” Because I was texting with her earlier and she knows I haven’t eaten dinner.

And Kristen said, “She’ll be fine.”

Then Dahlia said something and Kristen went, “She actually asked me if she could get me anything just now.” or something along those lines …

And I don’t know. Why wouldn’t I ask her if I could get her something? She has strep throat!! I AM A KIND PERSON DAMNIT.

Half the time I feel like Kristen sees me as this cold, sarcastic, judgmental BITCH. And she doesn’t feel bad expressing that to me.

I mean she sometimes says it in joking ways. But really. It IS what she thinks of me, and it hurts because that’s not how I aspire to be at all.

I want to be liked and I want people to think I am fun to be around and all that stuff, but more importantly I want them to see me as nice and kind and caring and someone they can talk to if they want to. That’s really important to me, so it’s really bothersome.

Later again.

Brent just asked me to borrow $200.

At first I thought he was kidding.

But apparently he is that much short to buy this motorcycle he has really wanted for a long time.

And he seems to really want it and seems like he would definitely pay me back.

He gets paid next Wednesday.

And I feel bad saying no, because he wants it SO bad and I’d just feel kind of snobby since he knows I have it.

But I feel stupid saying yes, in case he doesn’t pay me back or something.

Even though I think he will.

I’m surprised he asked me at all though. We aren’t even that good of friends.

Kind of insulting because he probably spent all his money going to visit Ali. And now he is asking to borrow money from me.

And he said to Marina about me: “She uses 100 dollar bills like toilet paper.”

Which IS NOT even true. My parents are well off but they don’t spoil me. The money in MY account, the money I would be giving him, is money that I earned.

What should I do though?!?!

And, one other thing. Michelle said these things to Marina (over a conversation)… :

The worst part was how everyone was whispering about it and making it so obvious that I wasn’t supposed to know. It was just too much to handle.

that part isnt entirely your fault (not saying its anybodies FAULT exactly)… the way corinne and lucy went about it was just so fucking obvious and annoying i wanted to die. maybe it was the alcohol, who knows. lucy was kind of being weird to me the whole night though so i wasnt in the best state with her to start with.

well i think i had the right to be annoyed at the time cuz like telling brent right in front of me, or saying that he “already knew” and stuff but then like totally changing themselves in front of me is too obvious to try to hide. all i’m saying is that i was annoyed at the time…. i’m not mad at them!!!!

Meh.

I was feeling really good about Friday night. And I did nothing wrong. But apparently I was fucking annoying. I don’t even remember. I probably would’ve handled it better had I been sober.

God this is a lot of stuff for one night.

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