Tag Archives: boys

a failing perfectionist

6 May
The past week I’ve been in an I-hate-the-world mood.

I hate: school, most people at my school, teachers, work, stress, overcast weather, the list goes on …

AP Tests are over now. Thank God.

However I still don’t feel the relief I thought I would feel when they were over.

Most of my teachers were “putting stuff off” until after the AP tests so I’m going to have just as much work to do in the next week as I did in the last week.

AP Tests were impossibly hard and I’m just not perfect enough to do well on them.

The past week I’ve really felt the pressure to be perfect and GAH.

Elyse & Eta annoy me. So does Vanni but with Vanni I actually feel like I want to be friends with her in the long run (well, kinda). With Elyse and Eta I just feel done.

But I have to be fake towards them. If I acted how I felt I would be a huge bitch. So I’m just fake-ish.

They’re just … indescribable. I don’t think everyone feels like reading a novel, and I don’t feel like writing one, so you’ll just have to trust me that they’re incredibly annoying.

They’re so PERFECT and think they’re above everyone, for one. I’ll just leave it at that.

School has been so stressful. On top of feeling the need to be perfect (and failing) … gah.

The APLA test: I studied the day before. I know I should’ve started earlier. But I just could never motivate myself or make myself. So I started on Sunday. I studied a lot on Sunday, though.

The test on Monday was … hard. I didn’t finish the multiple choice section. The essays were alright.

The APUSH test: I started studying on Tuesday. Did a group study with Michelle, Vanni, Alice, and Andrea and that was helpful. Studied what I felt like was a lot, but I always felt like I could do more and it was very overwhelming.

The test was today. It was hard. The multiple choice was hard. My essays were crap. Of course other people (more perfect people) probably thought it was easy and that just makes me sad.

I don’t mean to feel all oh-feel-sorry-for-me, but that’s how it’s turning out.

For Academy of Finance I was supposed to have an interview on Wednesday (which was just adding to my stress GOD) but it got canceled and I didn’t find out til Wednesday during the day, so that sucked. It was good and bad that it got canceled: good because it took some stress off, and bad because I’m just going to have to make it up …

In Pre-calc I have the lowest grade I’ve had all year. It’s like a B-. GOD. Major stressor here. And my teacher has been being an ass. He’s just crabby. I won’t go into specifics because I never do anymore but GRR he aggrivates me so much.

Even though my grade was so high in that class last quarter that I can still get like a B- and get an A in the class for the semester. But it would really bother me to get a bad grade when I know I CAN do better. I’ve never gotten below like an 86% or so in a class! Not that it makes a difference, it’ll just say “B” and it won’t even be on my transcript but STILL. I’m just a perfectionist but a failing one. It’s hard to be a failing perfectionist!!

My mom says I’m being too hard on myself (in general) but I can’t help it. It’s like, last year I was kind of good but right now I’m slipping back into that perfectionist-comparing myself to everyone mentality that I had freshman year and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s not like I can just tell myself not to care because I DO care. And I thought it would get better after AP tests, but we’ll see …

Anyways. Chemistry is also kind of stressing me out, but not because of my grade, that’s fine, but because I have old old missing assignments that I need to just get DONE and turn them in, but I can’t seem to get around to them. Maybe now that AP tests are over (see what I mean? I just keep putting things off until after the tests).

This week was also stressful because I kept having to retake/take/makeup/finish tests/homework/etc before school, during break, during lunch, and after school. So I didn’t get to do things I had wanted to do. Like talk to my friends since we’re drifting apart or go to club meetings.

Like this one club that is a mentoring thing that’s coming to my school. Upperclassmen mentor freshman and it looks cool. I think it sounds cute. 🙂 They need 40 from my class, and I definitely think I’m in the top 40 of my class …

Of course, to get support for the program started, they had teachers recommend some students. You didn’t have to be recommended to do it, but it got people to know what it is and stuff. I didn’t get recommended. 😦 Stupid people like Mya did. That was just annoying.

Oh! And then there was Key Club/NHS nominating and voting for next years’ officers.

So on Tuesday I had Key Club. I’m secretary this year so I knew I wanted to run for something again next year. It makes sense, RIGHT, to be something like secretary one year and then run for VP or something higher the next? (Not that it matters what I am because Eta, the president, doesn’t include me in any of the planning or anything)

Well, I get to the meeting on Tuesday and I have second lunch. A ton of people have first lunch so they had already decided who was running for what in that lunch.

Keep in mind that Charla is NOT stupid or clueless or any way whatsoever and she CANNOT play that card because she got a 2340 on her SAT and well, she just isn’t stupid. So she knew I wanted to run for VP.

AND she is already running for President of NHS and will probably win.

But I get there and she is running for VP! UGH. And I didn’t want to run against her because we’re such good friends. And then Eta is running for president again and Elyse is running for treasurer. So I’m left to run for … secretary again. GREAT! And even that I have to run against Kim, who I like and don’t want to run against. But they left me no choice!! It just made me so mad because gee, my friends in first lunch REALLY left me no room to be a Key Club officer at all next year.

Maybe I just won’t run. Cross my name off the list. What kind of a club would it be run by Eta, Charla, and Elyse, anyway? Super perfect and … can’t think of the word … just making people feel bad about themselves 24/7 on every scale possible. Maybe I don’t even want to be in it next year. Will it REALLY make that much of a difference on college apps? Hmmm …

That just pissed me way off.

Oh, and then, I was saying how I didn’t want to run against Charla and Fer was like, “I will!” which just made me mad because even though I’m annoyed-ish with Charla at the moment, Fer was more than willing to run against Charla which just pisses me off. People dislike Charla for no reason. It just seems like since I generally like the same types of people, and I like both of them a lot, they could like each other. It’s not like any event happened between them that is making Fer hold a grudge. But nooo, she just can’t like Charla.

Then on Wednesday NHS elections were held.

For president: Charla vs. Elyse
GOD I didn’t really want to vote for either of them. I was tempted to not vote. But I knew that in the long run, even though I’m a tad annoyed with Charla for now, I would rather have a club run by her than Elyse.

For treasurer: Kim vs. Jillian
I wanted to vote for Jillian and know she would do a better job. But now that I’m running against Kim for NHS … I just feel kind of bad for running against her because we’re friends-ish and I would be kind of upset if someone I thought I was friends-ish was running against me. And it would be sad if she lost both. So I voted for her. Then again, if she wins both, that would be even worse for me. Hmm.

In the other areas of friends …

Marina and I are good. Michelle and I are pretty good, but she has all these other friends that she has made since we have been drifting apart and that bothers me. Not like bothers me enough to do anything about it like be really jealous, just makes me sad that me and Michelle don’t have all the same friends anymore. That my group in general is/has splitting/split up.

I guess MY group of friends used to be THE group, and everyone was friends with everyone. Now MY group of friends is about a billion different little groups, and it’s complicated when people don’t like other people and then certain little groups are also part of another little group that I’m not part of …

For example, Fer doesn’t like Charla. Charla doesn’t dislike Fer but they aren’t friends (but that’s all Fer’s doing). Marina doesn’t like Fer and vice versa. Vanni doesn’t like Charla and Charla doesn’t know this but gets annoyed with Vanni. Marina didn’t used to like Charla (AT ALL) but now they get along very well (that = happy happy happy). Michelle and Marina were in a fight for awhile (about Devin stuff) and are getting better. It’s just complicated … I can’t hang out with ALL my good friends at once like I used to be able to.

It’s like there’s no group anymore. I think of a group like how we used to be. For example Vanni’s birthday party would be the same people as Fer’s birthday party and as my birthday party because we all had the same friends. And those parties would just be like any other weekend because we all hung out together all the time anyway.

I guess some diversity is good, but …

Then there’s boys.

Or lack thereof.

In my last entry (I think it was) I talked about how there are no boys I could like (all I want is to LIKE someone, make life a little more interesting. PLEASE that’s all I’m asking for). That night I looked through the yearbook for possibilities and I found three, count em THREE, boys I could crush on. One was this kid in my Chemistry class who’s name I can’t think of right now. He’s just cute and I don’t know anything about him so that’s appealing.

Two was this kid who I have seen like TWICE in the hall, and he is very cute and from what I know about him seems nice. Unreachable though, since I don’t know him at all or know anymore who knows him or ever talk to him or see him.
Three is a senior in my Chemistry class who I think is cute and seems nice. Just found out he asked Stephani to prom though, so that crosses that one off the list.

GOD. The sad thing is even if cute/better guys DID go to my school, they would get like gobbled up by other girls who are ______er than me (prettier, flirtier, smarter, etc). Pessimissic, I know.

Speaking of prom, Elyse is going. One more thing to add to the list of why she is so perfect, and she knows it. That’s the annoying part, that she knows it and flaunts it and brags and is frickin annoying. Eta on the otherhand is just really really self righteous. I thought of her when I was studying for the APUSH test and the South thought the North had too many -isms (feminism, abolitionism, etc). It just made me think of her.

AND Michelle got asked to prom but said no (idiot!). Lots of other junior girls are going. To go along with the theme of this entry: just makes me feel bad, inferior …

Finally, there is family.

Katherine is home this weekend for her friend’s wedding.

I might go to the wedding, but I don’t really want to. Weddings bore me like no other if I don’t know the person that well [anymore]. Yeah, I’ve known her since I was born but what do I really know about her TODAY? That she is pregnant with this guys kid so they are having a rush wedding and that I would have to figure out what to wear and how to make small talk with random people I haven’t seen in forever. Yeah, probably not going.

Plus, it’s the day right after the AP test and the only reason I would go to this wedding would be to TRY to get drunk. Because that is my goal for sometime in the near future.

Kristen was SO ANNOYING tonight. I had to pick her up from the bar because she couldn’t drive. But then on the way home she was saying how she might go out again later. Why the heck did I pick you up then?! And then she decided ice cream. We got to the place, she changed her mind. We got home, she stayed in the car and told Katherine to stay and didn’t start talking til I closed my door. Gee, thanks. Glad to see we’re still in seventh grade. And I could HEAR them, because she is a drunken idiot. Kristen wanted to go back out with Katherine but didn’t think I would want to drive them or something. And she was saying how alll her friends would be so happy to see Katherine. I’m glad she considers me a friend, too. Because she definitely doesn’t. She STILL sees me as her immature little sister and just doesn’t care. I consider her one of my best friends, but whatever.

Katherine was kind of annoying too. Whenever we go somewhere together, she uses the time in the car (and sometimes that’s the only time where WE could get to talk because it’s just us) to return all her phone calls. This means 1) we don’t get to talk and it just seems like she doesn’t care, 2) I have to turn down the radio so she can hear and 3) I have to listen to her stupid annoying sorority sister gossip.

In other news, apparently Dahlia is moving in with us. I only heard this second hand (in one of Katherine’s phone calls today). I’m so glad my family tells me things and updates me! That is all I know, really. Dahlia’s mom is moving out of her apartment because she can’t afford rent (on top of chemo) and into her other daughter’s apartment (who probably can’t afford to take care of/feed/etc her mom because she isn’t that well off either) and Dahlia is moving in here. Or something. I don’t know. It’s just sad. Dahlia isn’t herself. And I don’t feel the same way about her. I still love her (unconditionally) but I’m not all like “Aw I love Dahlia she’s so nice!” all the time. I’m just, meh whatever. I don’t feel like she ever considered me a great friend anyway. Kristen is “the only one who understands” her.

One more thing. I need to change the vibe I give off to people, apparently. Lately I keep finding out that people always think I’m mad or sad or rolling my eyes at them or snobby or SOMEthing, and I totally don’t even feel that way all the time. I think I roll my eyes because my eyes are dry. Well, sometimes it’s definitely intended but not ALWAYS. I don’t know. People just think I’m … not happy or friendly.

sigh. tomorrow is a me day. I hope hope hope it’s nice out so I can sit outside and just RELAX.

Oh, PS. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t even watched Idol yet from this week! Tuesday night’s, I mean. I kind of watched Wednesday. THAT RIGHT THERE IS EXTREME.

missing something that was never there.

29 April
God my internet has been annoying lately. It only works like half the time and is slow. I don’t know what’s wrong.

I feel kind of blah right now.

Let’s see, this week.

Ugh for the Finance internship I found out I have a group interview on Wednesday. I do not want to do a group interview. Only this company does group ones (that I know of) and I could always say I can’t go (just have to decide a day in advance) because more interviews/opportunities for internships will be coming later.

But then like, what if I don’t get an internship later? And I regret not going to this one? And what if it’s not that bad, and it’s probably a good experience for later on.

I hate making decisions. I wish I had someone to make this one for me. Because I know I should go and I’ve got nothing to lose, but I REALLY don’t want to. ugh.

Eta and Elyse have been annoying me like no other recently.

One, they’re so above everyone else and think they’re better than everyone. They think they’re the smartest people ever and the most morally correct people ever. And those types of people annoy me. Just be REAL, geez. Everything they do has to be soo PC and just “the right thing” and they totally judge other people constantly and you can FEEL it. Also they’re attached at the hip and even though they’re all about being nice and everything that goes along with that, they’re not so good at being inclusive and making other people feel good. They want to be, but they aren’t.

And I have two classes with both of them in them: APLA and Pre-Calc. And then APUSH with just Elyse.

Here is one, just one example of what they are like in each of these classes.

In APUSH we got a practice test back. There are 80 multiple choice questions but our teacher just made it out of 50 because otherwise it would’ve brought down people’s grades too much. And she went, “So for those of you who got more than 50, you just got 50 in the gradebook.” And Elyse calls out, “We don’t get extra credit?!” Ugh just the way she said it and the fact that she said it, like she had to advertise the fact that she got more than 50 and she thinks she’s so smart. And I know that was the reason because she doesn’t even NEED extra credit. She has like a 98% in that class and it will never go below that.

They’re just really annoying lately.

In pre-calc … I have a B- for this quarter right now. But the quarter just started and we’ve only had like 6 assignments. Four homeworks and two quizzes. On one of the quizzes I got a D (=\ I need to make that up) and the other an A-, so I guess it averages out out 80%. Blah. That kinda sucks.

In Chemistry I have an A and it’s going well and everything. I finally took the test that I missed while I was in Spain and handed in the packet, but I didn’t do the labs. So my quarter grade probably won’t be great, but it’s just a progress report so whatever.

Ugh the test was so hard though. I took it yesterday after school.
1. It was just hard, period.
2. My teacher and student teacher kept talking. And talking, and talking, and talking.
3. Allie was in there getting help and was really distracting.
4. Various people kept coming in to ask for help or just TALK. PEOPLE, GO HOME. They didn’t even have to be there and they still were on a Friday after school?!
5. It was a Friday after school and it was sunny out and I wanted to go home.
6. Charla, Michelle, and Marina were waiting for me and I just wanted to go be with them!
7. They didn’t have to wait for me and I didn’t tell them to, but they did and it put pressure on me to hurry up because I was in there a LONG time. But then that pressure just made me work slower.
8. Apparently I never got 2 worksheets from the packet, so when those types of questions were on the test, I didn’t know how to do them.

It was just a bad experience & I think I did bad & I was in a bad mood when I was done. Bad, what a descriptive word, right?

I had a dentist/orthodontist (they’re the same person for me) appointment on Tuesday. I have no cavities, but I have to go in AGAIN (and I HATE going there) next Tuesday to get my retainer fixed or maybe a new one. God.

Then I had an eye doctor appointment on Thursday and basically, I’m blind. I wear Acuvue 2 contact lenses. And apparently, that brand doesn’t make the contact lenses strong enough for me. So we’re switching brands to another one that is allowed to make contacts for a higher prescription. GOD Why am I so messed up? It’s funny and it’s not my fault but it’s just like, geez. I have the worst vision ever.

Yesterday after school Marina came over and we talked and that was nice. Very nice. Then Lucy came and we talked some more, then we met Michelle and Charla downtown to see American Dreamz. It was okay. I mean it was funny but kind of ridiculous, but then again I didn’t expect it to be that good. Then we (+ Devon) went back to Lucy’s and hung out. Fun. Charla gave me and Michelle a ride home.

In the car we were talking about colleges (always comes up) and I just CAN’T do that with Michelle. She is so clueless and it really annoys me when people think they know what they’re talking about but they really don’t. And people just get it into their heads that they want to go to Scripps or UCLA or Stanford JUST because they’ve heard about those schools. They don’t know anything about them. I just can’t have those conversations with Michelle, it bugs me too much.

And then after we dropped Michelle off, Charla told me that Eta was like, “Lucy won’t tell what she got on the SATs because she thinks she did bad. And neither will Corinne.” And Charla said, “Well I don’t think it’s because Corinne did bad, she just wants it to be private.” Charla knows that obviously but she couldn’t tell Eta that. And I don’t know … haha … is it weird that it just gives me some sort of satisfaction to be able to not tell Eta? Because it does. It really does. Eta bothers meeee.

And this entry has been almost completely about school. It takes over my life. In one week I will be done with AP tests and life will be better. Maybe? I feel kind of blah right now and I don’t know why.

Later
Late night update, yay.

Today I basically did nothing all day. pretty much.

I … went to Office Max with my mom. I cleaned my room. I went on the computer. It rained a lot outside.

I rented Two Weeks Notice and watched it with my mommy. ❤ I love that movie, so cute.

And now I’ve just been on the computer for awhile …

I was looking around on myspace and just looking at all these people’s pages.

Does this ever happen to anyone where you’re on myspace or something and you just get really … nostalgic? I don’t know if that’s the right word. Kind of.

Nostalgic because I miss old friends that I’ve lost touch with.

And even if I don’t care to be friends with the person anymore, just sad in general because everyone seems so … happy on myspace.

I guess nostalgic because I was looking at this group of freshman girls’ myspaces and they just seemed so carefree and fun and simple. They haven’t hit AP classes or colleges or any of that stuff yet. There group hasn’t split up into little groups yet, they’re still all best friends. I just miss all that. Even though freshman year sucked so I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Maybe I don’t miss it because it never was like that, I just wish it would be like that? I don’t know I’m being really vague.

It just makes me sad and I wish my life could be more like other people’s sometimes.

And this girl (Lauren is the specific girl, and her group of friends. she is my old neighbor but we never talk anymore) has/had a boyfriend … well I can’t tell if they still go out or not because both their pages say single, but there are pictures of them together and people commented with things saying they’re cute. And they comment on each others’ pages and end with “i love you”. So I don’t know.

But just the fact that she has this guy she’s really close to and she has all these great friends and they seem really close and know each other really well and just get along, and they are a fun group of girls. I’m just jealous. Not like bad jealous, I’m happy for her but I wish my life could be more like that.

She’s had a boyfriend and said I love you and I haven’t …

And I want a boyfriend or something but only because I feel like I’m missing out on that. I want to fall in love and have a relationship and all that stuff. I feel like every one else is experiencing this thing and I’m just missing out.

But 1) I’m really feeling so uninspired when it comes to guys right now. I don’t like anyone AT ALL right now. British boy? no. Tony? noooo. Brent? NOOOOO. And I don’t have anyone else in my mind that I would consider. and 2) even if I did like someone, it’s not like I would do anything about it. I’m too shy.

That’s just … depressing. I like the idea of having a boyfriend but I can’t think of anyone I would want to be my boyfriend.

The nice guys are my school are completely shy and antisocial or just plain strange. The cute/outgoing guys are jerks or just not accessible for me because I don’t know them or talk to them or I’m just not their … type.

Anyway, though.

I didn’t study for APLA or APUSH at all today. I’m really bad. God, I don’t even want to think about those or school or friends or anything.

I want to drink. I haven’t since I was in Spain, and even there I never got like really drunk, just buzzed. Sooo I think next weekend, after the AP tests are OVER and Katherine will be home (for her friend’s wedding) … hmmmm … I think that needs to happen.

Other than that … that’s pretty much all.

beddy bye

24 March
Today was pretty good.

Let’s see …

Vanni is getting a bit too intense to take. Me and Marina, and me and Fer were both talking about her. Not like in a bad way, just how she can be kind of intense. We still love her and everything, but yeah. She’s just a lot first thing in the morning.

In pre-calc we had a quiz, and this ALWAYS happens to me and it’s so annoying! I always take the quiz and think I did fine and then when I’m talking about it with people later I realize I did a few problems wrong. And they’re only out of 10 or 15 or 20 usually (15 this time) so I can’t afford to miss many to still get an A! I think I could get 13 or 14 out of 15 this time, which is still good.

At lunch me and Fer always have these heart-to-heart talks. 🙂 I love it. She’s getting really easy to talk to. and I’m getting really comfortable around her.

Lately I’ve noticed about myself that every time people don’t open up to me or like to tell me things or anything, it bothers me. Like how Vanni never tells me anything, and Kristen. And I want to be here for Dahlia but I don’t know how.

I don’t know if I’ve just gotten used to being a person people come to talk to or what. And I just like having that role, and people trusting me. So I wish Kristen and Vanni and other people would do that, too.

About how I was saying I want to be here for Dahlia … well, I don’t know what’s wrong with her really but I was reading Kirsten’s texts (I know I’m a bad person =\ ) and she had some from Dahlia just talking about how Dahlia is stressed out lately and nothing is stopping it. And she doesn’t feel connected or something, and she doesn’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t know just all this stuff. I want to be here for her if she wants but I don’t really know how to let her know. I probably just won’t do anything. And the anniversary of her brother’s death is coming up on the 31st, so that’s always sad. 😦

In other news …

I also had a APUSH quiz today and it was … okay.

Then in TA I spent the whole time looking up places we’re going in Spain. I’M JUST SO EXCITED. I haven’t looked up our other hotels yet but I will … I just looked at like what temperatures are in Spain this time of year (I think like 70s) and some of the touristy places we’re going. ahhh two weeks from today!!!

Then after school I hung out with Marina, Lucy, Devon, Brent, and Vanni. It’s like the group now. Brent brought his motorcycle here and showed us … it’s cool I guess? But I’m not gonna pretend to know anything about motorcycles.

By the way I don’t like Brent. I decided. Just to let you know. I do really want a boyfriend but I feel like there’s no options. Usually I’m complaining (or feeling sad) about how the guy I like doesn’t like me or something. But right now there isn’t even anyone I WANT to like. So I don’t know …

Then me and Marina went downtown and everyone else did other stuff. No one hangs out anymore. But me and Marina talked and everything and it was good.

I got Rolling Stone with Simon, Randy & Paula on the cover, and a birthday present for my mom. How exciting?

And then I came home and hung out with Kristen & Dahlia a little bit but they’re going to bed soon and I am too …

don’t worry, be happy.

23 March

Happenings of this week:

-I have 98% in APUSH, and it’s the second highest grade in the class (Elyse has 100% grr), and there are only 5 As. So yay for that!

-On Monday Vanni approached me and said she doesn’t want to be in a room with Charla for Spain. I basically told her she can do whatever she wants to make that happen just as long as Charla doesn’t know and doesn’t feel excluded and it doesn’t put me in a position I don’t want to be in. I don’t know though. It kind of pissed me off because it’s SPAIN and we’re going to be having fun no matter what and we’re not in middle school so there should be no drama like this.

-Today Brent asked me to borrow $80 … see, the $200 before (that I never ended up giving him) was to buy his motorcycle, he was that much short. And then this was for something having to do with the motorcycle but I don’t really know how to explain it. And I gave it to him … after a lot of convincing. First he called me and I was like, “Um … ” unsure. Then he CAME to my house to try and convince me and promise me he’ll pay me back. He said I was the first person he called (aw) but then when I didn’t call him back he called other people and no one else would either … then we were just talking in the family room and he kept being like, “Pleeease Corinne, you know I’ll pay you back … ” And I was being convinced and then just to make sure he literally picked me up and carried me upstairs and set me on my bed to get my wallet, LOL.

He is getting paid on the 6th and he promised me like a million times that he will pay me back then. And I trust him. And people can and will think I’m stupid for doing that, but it is what it is. I know $80 seems like a lot but … I would spend that much on clothes. So why not lend it to a friend? I just don’t know what I’m going to tell my mom because she watches my bank accounts and she will probably notice, and probably wouldn’t approve.

In other news … Kristen and Dahlia got back from Disneyland on Tuesday. But I haven’t seen Dahlia yet. She ended up not coming over that night. Maybe she will tonight, but she would probably be here by now. If not tonight then probably tomorrow. I want to see her, it’s been almost a week! Last night she texted me and said she missed me, aw. 🙂

I think that is all the important things … I have a pre-calc quiz and a APUSH quiz tomorrow, meh. And a Chem test on Monday. So that kinda sucks. But oh well. Be happy.

It means that I, like God, do not play with dice and I don’t believe in coincidences.

19 March
This weekend I hung out with Marina, Lucy, Devon, Brent, and Vanni at first, but that was kinda boring …

Then I had a Spain meeting. I leave in less than three weeks!! I’m so excited. I can’t believe it’s so soon.

Then, I decided to hang out with Katherine and her friends at our house. It was pretty fun! I like it when someone else (Katherine or Kristen) has parties at our house because then it’s still MY house but I don’t have to worry about my friends throwing up or anything …

Katherine’s sorority sisters are okay. I have 2 that are my favorites. 🙂

On Friday I went downtown with Katherine and her friends. I got a little annoyed though, because Katherine is SOO slow. I bought a pink t shirt from American Eagle, yay …

Then we dropped her friends off, and went out to dinner with our aunts. They wanted to see Katherine while she’s in town. So that was yummy?

Then Katherine and I came back home and figured out what to do …

For me it was either go hang out with Marina, Lucy, Devon, and Brent. OR Stay home. OR go out with Katherine and her high school friends.

I decided on the last one.

So Katherine and I pre-funked here a little … which was weird because I’m not used to doing that at MY house since my parents are usually here. But they were STILL out of town.

Then Katy and Elle picked us up and we met up with 2 other girls (all HS Friends of Caitlin’s. They’re nice).

So they had this friend who was having a party outside of town, not exactly that close. But we decided to go because Katherine wanted to hang out with them, so whatever they were doing she was willing to do.

It took like AN HOUR to get to there, and then we got to the house and there were like five people there! gah. We had a glass of champagne, which I had never had before and I didn’t like it. At all. And then we left because it was boring …

Took another hour to drive BACK. We dropped the friends off because they were doing something else, and went to Katherine’s friend’s house, who was supposedly having a party, too.

But we got THERE and there were only like 5 people there! WTF. But it wasn’t as bad that time because Katherine actually knows Kaylan. So we hung out there for awhile.

But we weren’t even there for that long because Katy wanted to go home, and she was our driver, so she dropped Katherine and I off at home.

We got home and realized we were both starving … so we went to a food place which is open until 2 and it was like 1:55 LOL. Katherine drove, she wasn’t very drunk at all (neither was I, but I probably was more than her). And it’s is really close to our house.

We just got fries and then came home and ate. Then after the fries were gone I decided I wanted a sandwich and Katherine made herself waffles.

And then we had like an hour long heart-to-heart conversation. We talked about college and what I want in the college I go to. Which led us into talking about her school. And sororities. And her sorority. And majors. And how I want to do psychology.

It was a very nice conversation. 🙂 I wasn’t like woo-hoo-crazy-party-drunk, but I guess I was drunk enough to be a little more open when we were talking. I probably wouldn’t have talked to her for that long if I was sober.

So overall, the night was an adventure. It was fun … but probably not as fun as Thursday night. And I have no pictures from Friday.

On Saturday I got up and walked around the lake with Charla. Ah, memories of Summer! It was a nice walk and talk and catch-up.

Then I came home, went tanning with Katherine, and went to a mall to go shopping some more.

I got four shirts:

-this white shirt that I bought because it made me look tan. It’s like sweatshirt material, and has a hood and a pocket in the front, but it’s way v-neck (have to wear a tank top under it) and three-quarter length sleeves.
-a red v neck t shirt.
-a gray tank top with lace at the top and bottom.
-a gray and white striped polo t shirt.

So that trip was a success. By the time I got home, I was so tired from walking around the lake (three miles!) and walking all around the mall. So all I felt like doing was hanging out with some girls and watching a movie or something.

I ate dinner with my family, then went to Marina’s.

Me, Marina, and Lucy talked about a lot of things.

First, about the latest thing at our school right now … this guy who graduated in my sister’s grade committed suicide last weekend. He was friends with so many people. Like everyone I talk to knew him and loved him it seems like.

He was dealing coke and was in trouble with that, and people say he was in a gang. He wasn’t really doing anything with his life … he hanged himself with an extension cord in an abandoned warehouse. 😦

It’s just really sad. His funeral was yesterday. This girl who is a senior right now went out with him and had broken up with him like two weeks before he killed himself, so she is a complete wreck. She hasn’t been at school. And she’s a cheerleader … and the national cheerleading competition is right now, and she didn’t go and they had to edit their routine the day before they left.

I guess he was like full of coke when they found him.

I don’t know … just really sad.

Then Marina brought up that last summer her mom was going to kill herself. She had not told me that before, wow. I guess Marina’s mom had it all planned out and was going to do it where she was house-sitting and would have done it if Marina hadn’t ended up going with her.

That’s got to be so hard. Her mom is getting better, though …

On a completely different subject (well, still the subject of Marina), she also told me that … on Thursday night, she gave Devon a hand job.

WHILE Lucy and Brent were in the room, and they didn’t know. LMFAO. I’m glad I didn’t go.

This is what happened I guess: they were under a blanket, and Lucy and Brent were asleep (they were all watching a movie). Marina had her hands on her lap, and Devon was like caressing her hands and then moved her hands to his lap and kind of guided her to do it? I don’t really know … I didn’t ask for ALL the details. Then she just finished it I guess …

LOL Lucy was SO weirded out by it. I think it’s hilarious. But I wonder what is going to happen now. Michelle CAN’T find out, after what happened last time. I wonder when Marina and Devon will hook up again …

Anyway!! Then we all went and saw V for Vendetta. It was really, really good. I don’t even really like those types of movies that often, but it was good.

We saw and sat with Vanni, Matt, Elyse, Riley, and Dion there, too.

I got home at like midnight, and had a snack with Katherine and then we watched some OC. Then I went to bed …

And that was my weekend! It was good. And LONG. I love three-day weekends.

But now I have to do homework. 😦

Kristen and Dahlia are in Disneyland until Tuesday. I miss them! But at least Katherine’s here until they get back.

Okay … off to homework …

partial resolution

16 March
This week has been a little hectic.

Let’s see … the issues from my last entry have been kind of resolved.

Brent is getting the money from his parents, so that’s good that I won’t have to worry about that. To be honest, I probably would have done it. I trust Brent (but then again I’m too trusting in general). I just don’t know if I was doing it for the right reason. What would be the “right” reason, though? Because I’m happy for him to get a motorcycle? Well, I don’t really care about that. I think I would have done it just because I can’t say no, and I’m flattered that he asked ME of all people. I don’t know, it shows we’re friends.

I’ve been hanging out with him a lot recently. I definitely don’t feel the way I used to about him. But I still have that thing where I always want to be around him, where I always hope he is coming along. I think (I hope) it is just because he is just fun to be around, and he always makes me laugh.

What else.

About how I think Kristen sees me, whatever. Her and Dahlia are in Disneyland right now until Tuesday. They left this morning. I’ll miss Dahlia!

But at least Katherine is here. Katherine got here last night, and she is here til Tuesday. So I’m never without a sister! 😀

And Michelle. We’re okay. I still haven’t really talked to her about Friday, but we’re fine. If the right time comes, I’ll apologize for how I “handled it” and tell her I wouldn’t have done that if I was sober, I guess. But for now, we’re civil and pleasant to each other.

On Tuesday after school I hung out with Marina, Devon, Brent, and Vanni. ‘Twas fun, except that Brent stole my sunglasses and he has been wearing them all week and hasn’t given them back. I keep making fun of him, because … they’re girl sunglasses. Ah well.

Then American Idol. I don’t know about the Stevie Wonder theme. =\ It was just aight for me, dawg. (HAH IM RANDY!) And I can’t believe Lisa was in the bottom 2. At least one of the right people went home, though.

Then yesterday I had tutoring but Nadia wasn’t there hallelujah. So I didn’t really have to do anything too strenuous. And I’m stopping April 3rd, yay.

About school … well I got to sleep in on Wednesday. I didn’t have to go to school until 10, yay! So I got ten hours of sleep that night.

AND, we’ve been having hour lunches because it’s testing week. So there is enough time to drive places every day.

On Monday I went to get burgers with Marina, Lucy, Brent, Devon, and Vanni.
On Tuesday I went to Jamba Juice with Charla, and we caught up.
On Wednesday I went to McDonald’s with Lucy, Brent, and Marina.
And today I went to teriyaki with Lucy, Brent, Marina, and Devon.

I guess you could say Marina, Lucy, Devon, and Brent are kind of like “the group” now. I’m kind of part of it, but not totally, and I like it that way ’cause I can still hang out with Michelle & all the girls, if I want to. And I don’t always feel like hanging out with Marina, Lucy, etc, unless Brent’s there because otherwise it can be kind of boring and exclusive. Brent is good at making things very open. And not awkward.

No school tomorrow, for some reason.

I’m pretty happy right now. I’m just happy with how school is going, and how things with my friends are going. Because I actually feel included in the Marina, Lucy, etc group and that’s nice. And I don’t like anyone. Which can be boring, but at least I’m not analyzing someone’s every move.

Tonight … I have these options:

-Could go bowling with Eta and people. Well that’s not actually an option yet because I haven’t talked to her yet, but it could be one if I wanted to go. I guess that’s one thing I’m not so happy with, I feel like I’m drifting from Eta and Elyse and a little bit Michelle. So I need to make more of an effort there.

or

-stay home and hang out with Katherine and her friends who I don’t really know that well, but we’d probably drink so that’d be fun.

or

-hang out with Marina, Lucy, Brent, Devon and whoever else is hanging out with them.

Probably the 2nd or 3rd one. Who knows though …

Anyways. This has just been a bunch of babbling. Tata

too much

13 March
bahhh. my mood is kind of down right now.

Today was alright.

I had three hours of APUSH. But it’s better than having three hours of APLA, which I have tomorrow.

And then I had Finance, which was pointless as usual, and pre-calc.

Pre-calc was fine. Except for that my teacher pissed me off … other than that I was in a good mood. Everything was really easy to laugh at that period.

I got a 23/25 on the quiz we had on Friday, so that is good.

After school I hung out a little with Marina, Devon, and Brent, who stole $2 from me. Grr. His justification is that he didn’t drink that much on Friday so he shouldn’t have to pay me the full $7, just $5. But no, that’s not the way it works. But I’ll get it back.

After school I had tutoring, which I want to quit because I just don’t care anymore. I’m going to stop doing it after April 3rd.

And now I’m home. I love test scheduling because we don’t have every single class every day, so nothing is ever due the very next day. It’s nice.

Dahlia isn’t coming over tonight. And Kristen has strep so she’s going to bed soon, and the rest of the house is in Sun Valley. I hate it when the house is this quiet! It depresses me. I wish Dahlia were here. It’s not like I’d even necessarily hang out with her if she was (though I probably would) but I just like her being here. But she’s not, and the house is too quiet and it makes me feel blah. And I hate having my happiness depend on other people.

Later: Meh, apparently I still feel like talking.

I hate the way Kristen sees me.

I heard her talking on the phone with Dahlia just now. And Kristen was talking about how she has strep, and how she is going to bed right now without even eating dinner.

And Dahlia probably said something along the lines of, “What about Corinne?” Because I was texting with her earlier and she knows I haven’t eaten dinner.

And Kristen said, “She’ll be fine.”

Then Dahlia said something and Kristen went, “She actually asked me if she could get me anything just now.” or something along those lines …

And I don’t know. Why wouldn’t I ask her if I could get her something? She has strep throat!! I AM A KIND PERSON DAMNIT.

Half the time I feel like Kristen sees me as this cold, sarcastic, judgmental BITCH. And she doesn’t feel bad expressing that to me.

I mean she sometimes says it in joking ways. But really. It IS what she thinks of me, and it hurts because that’s not how I aspire to be at all.

I want to be liked and I want people to think I am fun to be around and all that stuff, but more importantly I want them to see me as nice and kind and caring and someone they can talk to if they want to. That’s really important to me, so it’s really bothersome.

Later again.

Brent just asked me to borrow $200.

At first I thought he was kidding.

But apparently he is that much short to buy this motorcycle he has really wanted for a long time.

And he seems to really want it and seems like he would definitely pay me back.

He gets paid next Wednesday.

And I feel bad saying no, because he wants it SO bad and I’d just feel kind of snobby since he knows I have it.

But I feel stupid saying yes, in case he doesn’t pay me back or something.

Even though I think he will.

I’m surprised he asked me at all though. We aren’t even that good of friends.

Kind of insulting because he probably spent all his money going to visit Ali. And now he is asking to borrow money from me.

And he said to Marina about me: “She uses 100 dollar bills like toilet paper.”

Which IS NOT even true. My parents are well off but they don’t spoil me. The money in MY account, the money I would be giving him, is money that I earned.

What should I do though?!?!

And, one other thing. Michelle said these things to Marina (over a conversation)… :

The worst part was how everyone was whispering about it and making it so obvious that I wasn’t supposed to know. It was just too much to handle.

that part isnt entirely your fault (not saying its anybodies FAULT exactly)… the way corinne and lucy went about it was just so fucking obvious and annoying i wanted to die. maybe it was the alcohol, who knows. lucy was kind of being weird to me the whole night though so i wasnt in the best state with her to start with.

well i think i had the right to be annoyed at the time cuz like telling brent right in front of me, or saying that he “already knew” and stuff but then like totally changing themselves in front of me is too obvious to try to hide. all i’m saying is that i was annoyed at the time…. i’m not mad at them!!!!

Meh.

I was feeling really good about Friday night. And I did nothing wrong. But apparently I was fucking annoying. I don’t even remember. I probably would’ve handled it better had I been sober.

God this is a lot of stuff for one night.