Tag Archives: college

a failing perfectionist

6 May
The past week I’ve been in an I-hate-the-world mood.

I hate: school, most people at my school, teachers, work, stress, overcast weather, the list goes on …

AP Tests are over now. Thank God.

However I still don’t feel the relief I thought I would feel when they were over.

Most of my teachers were “putting stuff off” until after the AP tests so I’m going to have just as much work to do in the next week as I did in the last week.

AP Tests were impossibly hard and I’m just not perfect enough to do well on them.

The past week I’ve really felt the pressure to be perfect and GAH.

Elyse & Eta annoy me. So does Vanni but with Vanni I actually feel like I want to be friends with her in the long run (well, kinda). With Elyse and Eta I just feel done.

But I have to be fake towards them. If I acted how I felt I would be a huge bitch. So I’m just fake-ish.

They’re just … indescribable. I don’t think everyone feels like reading a novel, and I don’t feel like writing one, so you’ll just have to trust me that they’re incredibly annoying.

They’re so PERFECT and think they’re above everyone, for one. I’ll just leave it at that.

School has been so stressful. On top of feeling the need to be perfect (and failing) … gah.

The APLA test: I studied the day before. I know I should’ve started earlier. But I just could never motivate myself or make myself. So I started on Sunday. I studied a lot on Sunday, though.

The test on Monday was … hard. I didn’t finish the multiple choice section. The essays were alright.

The APUSH test: I started studying on Tuesday. Did a group study with Michelle, Vanni, Alice, and Andrea and that was helpful. Studied what I felt like was a lot, but I always felt like I could do more and it was very overwhelming.

The test was today. It was hard. The multiple choice was hard. My essays were crap. Of course other people (more perfect people) probably thought it was easy and that just makes me sad.

I don’t mean to feel all oh-feel-sorry-for-me, but that’s how it’s turning out.

For Academy of Finance I was supposed to have an interview on Wednesday (which was just adding to my stress GOD) but it got canceled and I didn’t find out til Wednesday during the day, so that sucked. It was good and bad that it got canceled: good because it took some stress off, and bad because I’m just going to have to make it up …

In Pre-calc I have the lowest grade I’ve had all year. It’s like a B-. GOD. Major stressor here. And my teacher has been being an ass. He’s just crabby. I won’t go into specifics because I never do anymore but GRR he aggrivates me so much.

Even though my grade was so high in that class last quarter that I can still get like a B- and get an A in the class for the semester. But it would really bother me to get a bad grade when I know I CAN do better. I’ve never gotten below like an 86% or so in a class! Not that it makes a difference, it’ll just say “B” and it won’t even be on my transcript but STILL. I’m just a perfectionist but a failing one. It’s hard to be a failing perfectionist!!

My mom says I’m being too hard on myself (in general) but I can’t help it. It’s like, last year I was kind of good but right now I’m slipping back into that perfectionist-comparing myself to everyone mentality that I had freshman year and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s not like I can just tell myself not to care because I DO care. And I thought it would get better after AP tests, but we’ll see …

Anyways. Chemistry is also kind of stressing me out, but not because of my grade, that’s fine, but because I have old old missing assignments that I need to just get DONE and turn them in, but I can’t seem to get around to them. Maybe now that AP tests are over (see what I mean? I just keep putting things off until after the tests).

This week was also stressful because I kept having to retake/take/makeup/finish tests/homework/etc before school, during break, during lunch, and after school. So I didn’t get to do things I had wanted to do. Like talk to my friends since we’re drifting apart or go to club meetings.

Like this one club that is a mentoring thing that’s coming to my school. Upperclassmen mentor freshman and it looks cool. I think it sounds cute. 🙂 They need 40 from my class, and I definitely think I’m in the top 40 of my class …

Of course, to get support for the program started, they had teachers recommend some students. You didn’t have to be recommended to do it, but it got people to know what it is and stuff. I didn’t get recommended. 😦 Stupid people like Mya did. That was just annoying.

Oh! And then there was Key Club/NHS nominating and voting for next years’ officers.

So on Tuesday I had Key Club. I’m secretary this year so I knew I wanted to run for something again next year. It makes sense, RIGHT, to be something like secretary one year and then run for VP or something higher the next? (Not that it matters what I am because Eta, the president, doesn’t include me in any of the planning or anything)

Well, I get to the meeting on Tuesday and I have second lunch. A ton of people have first lunch so they had already decided who was running for what in that lunch.

Keep in mind that Charla is NOT stupid or clueless or any way whatsoever and she CANNOT play that card because she got a 2340 on her SAT and well, she just isn’t stupid. So she knew I wanted to run for VP.

AND she is already running for President of NHS and will probably win.

But I get there and she is running for VP! UGH. And I didn’t want to run against her because we’re such good friends. And then Eta is running for president again and Elyse is running for treasurer. So I’m left to run for … secretary again. GREAT! And even that I have to run against Kim, who I like and don’t want to run against. But they left me no choice!! It just made me so mad because gee, my friends in first lunch REALLY left me no room to be a Key Club officer at all next year.

Maybe I just won’t run. Cross my name off the list. What kind of a club would it be run by Eta, Charla, and Elyse, anyway? Super perfect and … can’t think of the word … just making people feel bad about themselves 24/7 on every scale possible. Maybe I don’t even want to be in it next year. Will it REALLY make that much of a difference on college apps? Hmmm …

That just pissed me way off.

Oh, and then, I was saying how I didn’t want to run against Charla and Fer was like, “I will!” which just made me mad because even though I’m annoyed-ish with Charla at the moment, Fer was more than willing to run against Charla which just pisses me off. People dislike Charla for no reason. It just seems like since I generally like the same types of people, and I like both of them a lot, they could like each other. It’s not like any event happened between them that is making Fer hold a grudge. But nooo, she just can’t like Charla.

Then on Wednesday NHS elections were held.

For president: Charla vs. Elyse
GOD I didn’t really want to vote for either of them. I was tempted to not vote. But I knew that in the long run, even though I’m a tad annoyed with Charla for now, I would rather have a club run by her than Elyse.

For treasurer: Kim vs. Jillian
I wanted to vote for Jillian and know she would do a better job. But now that I’m running against Kim for NHS … I just feel kind of bad for running against her because we’re friends-ish and I would be kind of upset if someone I thought I was friends-ish was running against me. And it would be sad if she lost both. So I voted for her. Then again, if she wins both, that would be even worse for me. Hmm.

In the other areas of friends …

Marina and I are good. Michelle and I are pretty good, but she has all these other friends that she has made since we have been drifting apart and that bothers me. Not like bothers me enough to do anything about it like be really jealous, just makes me sad that me and Michelle don’t have all the same friends anymore. That my group in general is/has splitting/split up.

I guess MY group of friends used to be THE group, and everyone was friends with everyone. Now MY group of friends is about a billion different little groups, and it’s complicated when people don’t like other people and then certain little groups are also part of another little group that I’m not part of …

For example, Fer doesn’t like Charla. Charla doesn’t dislike Fer but they aren’t friends (but that’s all Fer’s doing). Marina doesn’t like Fer and vice versa. Vanni doesn’t like Charla and Charla doesn’t know this but gets annoyed with Vanni. Marina didn’t used to like Charla (AT ALL) but now they get along very well (that = happy happy happy). Michelle and Marina were in a fight for awhile (about Devin stuff) and are getting better. It’s just complicated … I can’t hang out with ALL my good friends at once like I used to be able to.

It’s like there’s no group anymore. I think of a group like how we used to be. For example Vanni’s birthday party would be the same people as Fer’s birthday party and as my birthday party because we all had the same friends. And those parties would just be like any other weekend because we all hung out together all the time anyway.

I guess some diversity is good, but …

Then there’s boys.

Or lack thereof.

In my last entry (I think it was) I talked about how there are no boys I could like (all I want is to LIKE someone, make life a little more interesting. PLEASE that’s all I’m asking for). That night I looked through the yearbook for possibilities and I found three, count em THREE, boys I could crush on. One was this kid in my Chemistry class who’s name I can’t think of right now. He’s just cute and I don’t know anything about him so that’s appealing.

Two was this kid who I have seen like TWICE in the hall, and he is very cute and from what I know about him seems nice. Unreachable though, since I don’t know him at all or know anymore who knows him or ever talk to him or see him.
Three is a senior in my Chemistry class who I think is cute and seems nice. Just found out he asked Stephani to prom though, so that crosses that one off the list.

GOD. The sad thing is even if cute/better guys DID go to my school, they would get like gobbled up by other girls who are ______er than me (prettier, flirtier, smarter, etc). Pessimissic, I know.

Speaking of prom, Elyse is going. One more thing to add to the list of why she is so perfect, and she knows it. That’s the annoying part, that she knows it and flaunts it and brags and is frickin annoying. Eta on the otherhand is just really really self righteous. I thought of her when I was studying for the APUSH test and the South thought the North had too many -isms (feminism, abolitionism, etc). It just made me think of her.

AND Michelle got asked to prom but said no (idiot!). Lots of other junior girls are going. To go along with the theme of this entry: just makes me feel bad, inferior …

Finally, there is family.

Katherine is home this weekend for her friend’s wedding.

I might go to the wedding, but I don’t really want to. Weddings bore me like no other if I don’t know the person that well [anymore]. Yeah, I’ve known her since I was born but what do I really know about her TODAY? That she is pregnant with this guys kid so they are having a rush wedding and that I would have to figure out what to wear and how to make small talk with random people I haven’t seen in forever. Yeah, probably not going.

Plus, it’s the day right after the AP test and the only reason I would go to this wedding would be to TRY to get drunk. Because that is my goal for sometime in the near future.

Kristen was SO ANNOYING tonight. I had to pick her up from the bar because she couldn’t drive. But then on the way home she was saying how she might go out again later. Why the heck did I pick you up then?! And then she decided ice cream. We got to the place, she changed her mind. We got home, she stayed in the car and told Katherine to stay and didn’t start talking til I closed my door. Gee, thanks. Glad to see we’re still in seventh grade. And I could HEAR them, because she is a drunken idiot. Kristen wanted to go back out with Katherine but didn’t think I would want to drive them or something. And she was saying how alll her friends would be so happy to see Katherine. I’m glad she considers me a friend, too. Because she definitely doesn’t. She STILL sees me as her immature little sister and just doesn’t care. I consider her one of my best friends, but whatever.

Katherine was kind of annoying too. Whenever we go somewhere together, she uses the time in the car (and sometimes that’s the only time where WE could get to talk because it’s just us) to return all her phone calls. This means 1) we don’t get to talk and it just seems like she doesn’t care, 2) I have to turn down the radio so she can hear and 3) I have to listen to her stupid annoying sorority sister gossip.

In other news, apparently Dahlia is moving in with us. I only heard this second hand (in one of Katherine’s phone calls today). I’m so glad my family tells me things and updates me! That is all I know, really. Dahlia’s mom is moving out of her apartment because she can’t afford rent (on top of chemo) and into her other daughter’s apartment (who probably can’t afford to take care of/feed/etc her mom because she isn’t that well off either) and Dahlia is moving in here. Or something. I don’t know. It’s just sad. Dahlia isn’t herself. And I don’t feel the same way about her. I still love her (unconditionally) but I’m not all like “Aw I love Dahlia she’s so nice!” all the time. I’m just, meh whatever. I don’t feel like she ever considered me a great friend anyway. Kristen is “the only one who understands” her.

One more thing. I need to change the vibe I give off to people, apparently. Lately I keep finding out that people always think I’m mad or sad or rolling my eyes at them or snobby or SOMEthing, and I totally don’t even feel that way all the time. I think I roll my eyes because my eyes are dry. Well, sometimes it’s definitely intended but not ALWAYS. I don’t know. People just think I’m … not happy or friendly.

sigh. tomorrow is a me day. I hope hope hope it’s nice out so I can sit outside and just RELAX.

Oh, PS. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t even watched Idol yet from this week! Tuesday night’s, I mean. I kind of watched Wednesday. THAT RIGHT THERE IS EXTREME.

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missing something that was never there.

29 April
God my internet has been annoying lately. It only works like half the time and is slow. I don’t know what’s wrong.

I feel kind of blah right now.

Let’s see, this week.

Ugh for the Finance internship I found out I have a group interview on Wednesday. I do not want to do a group interview. Only this company does group ones (that I know of) and I could always say I can’t go (just have to decide a day in advance) because more interviews/opportunities for internships will be coming later.

But then like, what if I don’t get an internship later? And I regret not going to this one? And what if it’s not that bad, and it’s probably a good experience for later on.

I hate making decisions. I wish I had someone to make this one for me. Because I know I should go and I’ve got nothing to lose, but I REALLY don’t want to. ugh.

Eta and Elyse have been annoying me like no other recently.

One, they’re so above everyone else and think they’re better than everyone. They think they’re the smartest people ever and the most morally correct people ever. And those types of people annoy me. Just be REAL, geez. Everything they do has to be soo PC and just “the right thing” and they totally judge other people constantly and you can FEEL it. Also they’re attached at the hip and even though they’re all about being nice and everything that goes along with that, they’re not so good at being inclusive and making other people feel good. They want to be, but they aren’t.

And I have two classes with both of them in them: APLA and Pre-Calc. And then APUSH with just Elyse.

Here is one, just one example of what they are like in each of these classes.

In APUSH we got a practice test back. There are 80 multiple choice questions but our teacher just made it out of 50 because otherwise it would’ve brought down people’s grades too much. And she went, “So for those of you who got more than 50, you just got 50 in the gradebook.” And Elyse calls out, “We don’t get extra credit?!” Ugh just the way she said it and the fact that she said it, like she had to advertise the fact that she got more than 50 and she thinks she’s so smart. And I know that was the reason because she doesn’t even NEED extra credit. She has like a 98% in that class and it will never go below that.

They’re just really annoying lately.

In pre-calc … I have a B- for this quarter right now. But the quarter just started and we’ve only had like 6 assignments. Four homeworks and two quizzes. On one of the quizzes I got a D (=\ I need to make that up) and the other an A-, so I guess it averages out out 80%. Blah. That kinda sucks.

In Chemistry I have an A and it’s going well and everything. I finally took the test that I missed while I was in Spain and handed in the packet, but I didn’t do the labs. So my quarter grade probably won’t be great, but it’s just a progress report so whatever.

Ugh the test was so hard though. I took it yesterday after school.
1. It was just hard, period.
2. My teacher and student teacher kept talking. And talking, and talking, and talking.
3. Allie was in there getting help and was really distracting.
4. Various people kept coming in to ask for help or just TALK. PEOPLE, GO HOME. They didn’t even have to be there and they still were on a Friday after school?!
5. It was a Friday after school and it was sunny out and I wanted to go home.
6. Charla, Michelle, and Marina were waiting for me and I just wanted to go be with them!
7. They didn’t have to wait for me and I didn’t tell them to, but they did and it put pressure on me to hurry up because I was in there a LONG time. But then that pressure just made me work slower.
8. Apparently I never got 2 worksheets from the packet, so when those types of questions were on the test, I didn’t know how to do them.

It was just a bad experience & I think I did bad & I was in a bad mood when I was done. Bad, what a descriptive word, right?

I had a dentist/orthodontist (they’re the same person for me) appointment on Tuesday. I have no cavities, but I have to go in AGAIN (and I HATE going there) next Tuesday to get my retainer fixed or maybe a new one. God.

Then I had an eye doctor appointment on Thursday and basically, I’m blind. I wear Acuvue 2 contact lenses. And apparently, that brand doesn’t make the contact lenses strong enough for me. So we’re switching brands to another one that is allowed to make contacts for a higher prescription. GOD Why am I so messed up? It’s funny and it’s not my fault but it’s just like, geez. I have the worst vision ever.

Yesterday after school Marina came over and we talked and that was nice. Very nice. Then Lucy came and we talked some more, then we met Michelle and Charla downtown to see American Dreamz. It was okay. I mean it was funny but kind of ridiculous, but then again I didn’t expect it to be that good. Then we (+ Devon) went back to Lucy’s and hung out. Fun. Charla gave me and Michelle a ride home.

In the car we were talking about colleges (always comes up) and I just CAN’T do that with Michelle. She is so clueless and it really annoys me when people think they know what they’re talking about but they really don’t. And people just get it into their heads that they want to go to Scripps or UCLA or Stanford JUST because they’ve heard about those schools. They don’t know anything about them. I just can’t have those conversations with Michelle, it bugs me too much.

And then after we dropped Michelle off, Charla told me that Eta was like, “Lucy won’t tell what she got on the SATs because she thinks she did bad. And neither will Corinne.” And Charla said, “Well I don’t think it’s because Corinne did bad, she just wants it to be private.” Charla knows that obviously but she couldn’t tell Eta that. And I don’t know … haha … is it weird that it just gives me some sort of satisfaction to be able to not tell Eta? Because it does. It really does. Eta bothers meeee.

And this entry has been almost completely about school. It takes over my life. In one week I will be done with AP tests and life will be better. Maybe? I feel kind of blah right now and I don’t know why.

Later
Late night update, yay.

Today I basically did nothing all day. pretty much.

I … went to Office Max with my mom. I cleaned my room. I went on the computer. It rained a lot outside.

I rented Two Weeks Notice and watched it with my mommy. ❤ I love that movie, so cute.

And now I’ve just been on the computer for awhile …

I was looking around on myspace and just looking at all these people’s pages.

Does this ever happen to anyone where you’re on myspace or something and you just get really … nostalgic? I don’t know if that’s the right word. Kind of.

Nostalgic because I miss old friends that I’ve lost touch with.

And even if I don’t care to be friends with the person anymore, just sad in general because everyone seems so … happy on myspace.

I guess nostalgic because I was looking at this group of freshman girls’ myspaces and they just seemed so carefree and fun and simple. They haven’t hit AP classes or colleges or any of that stuff yet. There group hasn’t split up into little groups yet, they’re still all best friends. I just miss all that. Even though freshman year sucked so I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Maybe I don’t miss it because it never was like that, I just wish it would be like that? I don’t know I’m being really vague.

It just makes me sad and I wish my life could be more like other people’s sometimes.

And this girl (Lauren is the specific girl, and her group of friends. she is my old neighbor but we never talk anymore) has/had a boyfriend … well I can’t tell if they still go out or not because both their pages say single, but there are pictures of them together and people commented with things saying they’re cute. And they comment on each others’ pages and end with “i love you”. So I don’t know.

But just the fact that she has this guy she’s really close to and she has all these great friends and they seem really close and know each other really well and just get along, and they are a fun group of girls. I’m just jealous. Not like bad jealous, I’m happy for her but I wish my life could be more like that.

She’s had a boyfriend and said I love you and I haven’t …

And I want a boyfriend or something but only because I feel like I’m missing out on that. I want to fall in love and have a relationship and all that stuff. I feel like every one else is experiencing this thing and I’m just missing out.

But 1) I’m really feeling so uninspired when it comes to guys right now. I don’t like anyone AT ALL right now. British boy? no. Tony? noooo. Brent? NOOOOO. And I don’t have anyone else in my mind that I would consider. and 2) even if I did like someone, it’s not like I would do anything about it. I’m too shy.

That’s just … depressing. I like the idea of having a boyfriend but I can’t think of anyone I would want to be my boyfriend.

The nice guys are my school are completely shy and antisocial or just plain strange. The cute/outgoing guys are jerks or just not accessible for me because I don’t know them or talk to them or I’m just not their … type.

Anyway, though.

I didn’t study for APLA or APUSH at all today. I’m really bad. God, I don’t even want to think about those or school or friends or anything.

I want to drink. I haven’t since I was in Spain, and even there I never got like really drunk, just buzzed. Sooo I think next weekend, after the AP tests are OVER and Katherine will be home (for her friend’s wedding) … hmmmm … I think that needs to happen.

Other than that … that’s pretty much all.

11/16ths done.

24 April
Today was an okay day.

This morning before school I checked my SAT scores.

Here is what all my scores look like so far:

PSAT October 2004: 520 Reading, 570 Math, ? Writing
Practice SAT September 2005: 570 Reading, 520 Math, 720 Writing, 1810 Total.
PSAT October 2005: 600 Reading, 600 Math, 680 Writing, 1880 Total.
SAT April 2006: 630 Reading, 620 Math, 630 Writing, 1880 Total.

So it’s an improvement for Reading and Math, but the writing went down enough to make up for it. Oh well. My excuse is that the writing is so arbitrary that it just shouldn’t count … so it would be 1200 improved to 1250, and that’s good, right? Whatever I’m happy with it.

Of course, at school everyone was talking about it. Eta asked me what I got first thing in the morning (she got a 1960) and I said I didn’t want to tell. Which probably made her and everyone who was there think I did bad. I’d rather have them think I did bad and then be pleasantly surprised than have them think I did good and be disappointed. But I just took satisfaction in being able to not tell them. They’re just too competitive and preoccupied with it. Them being Eta, Elyse, and Michelle.

I only told Charla and Lucy what I got. Charla because … she’s Charla and why not tell her? I can trust her and I don’t feel like she’s judging me, and Lucy because she doesn’t intimidate me. Plus I wanted to know what she got, because she took a $900 Princeton Review Class so I wanted to see if it helped. I don’t think it did $900 worth. She got 640 math, and she didn’t tell me what the other two were but they were less than me.

Charla got 2300. GENIUS. She was really happy though so I’m happy for her. All day everyone was all, “Did you hear what Charla got? OMG She’s not human!!” Just be happy for her, geez. She got 800 Reading, and then 740 and 760 on the other two but I don’t know which goes with which.

And I don’t really know what everyone else got because since I didn’t want to tell what I got, I couldn’t very fairly ask everyone what they got. Even though I’m a hypocrite because I want to know what other people got but I don’t want to tell. oh, well.

Ugh, but I have to take the SATs again in June. Because I haven’t taken a class yet, I’m taking it in May after the AP tests. So then it made the most sense to take the SATs immediately after to get the most benefit from the class. I’d rather take the SAT than an AP test, though.

Also, while I was looking for what my old PSAT scores were from Sophomore year and I found a really depressing journal entry about when we thought the trip to Spain was getting canceled. Oh man that sucked. Looking back on it now, after I’ve gone to Spain … it’s just sort of ironic. I remember feeling then like I would never get to go and if I ever did it was really far away. But now I’ve already gone and come back and that doesn’t even seem that long ago! But it was. Man, I remember how disappointed I was. That really sucked.

In APLA today we had to write an in class essay. The APLA test is in ONE WEEK. Shoot. I’m scared for that. The essay today wasn’t that bad, though. At least I didn’t think so, but we’ll see when I get my grade …

And in Chemistry I have the highest grade in the class … 😀 Higher than Claire, don’t know how that happened!! But of course he still has a lot of stuff to add, a lot of stuff that I probably didn’t do that well on, so we’ll see. I have a 96.4%, though.

Today I didn’t have to go to 6th period, TA, because the lady I TA for wasn’t there so I could just leave. So I came home at 1:20 and laid outside in the sun until 3 and evened my tan out a bit. Or should I say evened my burn out a bit, but it’ll turn to tan … right?

UGH I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. That is my least favorite thing in the world. The six months between appointments always go so fast. Tomorrow when I arrange my next appointment for October, I’ll be relieved because October is SO far away. I mean, it’s after an entire Summer and well into my senior year of high school. But then before I know it, it’ll be September and I’ll have to start flossing again …

Speaking of Summer … I think it’s the beginning of the fourth quarter right now. Only one quarter left and it should be one of the easier ones once the AP tests are over. And I’ve made it through 11/16ths of high school. Only 5 left, hallelujah …

Okay well, I better get back to Chemistry. byyye …

It means that I, like God, do not play with dice and I don’t believe in coincidences.

19 March
This weekend I hung out with Marina, Lucy, Devon, Brent, and Vanni at first, but that was kinda boring …

Then I had a Spain meeting. I leave in less than three weeks!! I’m so excited. I can’t believe it’s so soon.

Then, I decided to hang out with Katherine and her friends at our house. It was pretty fun! I like it when someone else (Katherine or Kristen) has parties at our house because then it’s still MY house but I don’t have to worry about my friends throwing up or anything …

Katherine’s sorority sisters are okay. I have 2 that are my favorites. 🙂

On Friday I went downtown with Katherine and her friends. I got a little annoyed though, because Katherine is SOO slow. I bought a pink t shirt from American Eagle, yay …

Then we dropped her friends off, and went out to dinner with our aunts. They wanted to see Katherine while she’s in town. So that was yummy?

Then Katherine and I came back home and figured out what to do …

For me it was either go hang out with Marina, Lucy, Devon, and Brent. OR Stay home. OR go out with Katherine and her high school friends.

I decided on the last one.

So Katherine and I pre-funked here a little … which was weird because I’m not used to doing that at MY house since my parents are usually here. But they were STILL out of town.

Then Katy and Elle picked us up and we met up with 2 other girls (all HS Friends of Caitlin’s. They’re nice).

So they had this friend who was having a party outside of town, not exactly that close. But we decided to go because Katherine wanted to hang out with them, so whatever they were doing she was willing to do.

It took like AN HOUR to get to there, and then we got to the house and there were like five people there! gah. We had a glass of champagne, which I had never had before and I didn’t like it. At all. And then we left because it was boring …

Took another hour to drive BACK. We dropped the friends off because they were doing something else, and went to Katherine’s friend’s house, who was supposedly having a party, too.

But we got THERE and there were only like 5 people there! WTF. But it wasn’t as bad that time because Katherine actually knows Kaylan. So we hung out there for awhile.

But we weren’t even there for that long because Katy wanted to go home, and she was our driver, so she dropped Katherine and I off at home.

We got home and realized we were both starving … so we went to a food place which is open until 2 and it was like 1:55 LOL. Katherine drove, she wasn’t very drunk at all (neither was I, but I probably was more than her). And it’s is really close to our house.

We just got fries and then came home and ate. Then after the fries were gone I decided I wanted a sandwich and Katherine made herself waffles.

And then we had like an hour long heart-to-heart conversation. We talked about college and what I want in the college I go to. Which led us into talking about her school. And sororities. And her sorority. And majors. And how I want to do psychology.

It was a very nice conversation. 🙂 I wasn’t like woo-hoo-crazy-party-drunk, but I guess I was drunk enough to be a little more open when we were talking. I probably wouldn’t have talked to her for that long if I was sober.

So overall, the night was an adventure. It was fun … but probably not as fun as Thursday night. And I have no pictures from Friday.

On Saturday I got up and walked around the lake with Charla. Ah, memories of Summer! It was a nice walk and talk and catch-up.

Then I came home, went tanning with Katherine, and went to a mall to go shopping some more.

I got four shirts:

-this white shirt that I bought because it made me look tan. It’s like sweatshirt material, and has a hood and a pocket in the front, but it’s way v-neck (have to wear a tank top under it) and three-quarter length sleeves.
-a red v neck t shirt.
-a gray tank top with lace at the top and bottom.
-a gray and white striped polo t shirt.

So that trip was a success. By the time I got home, I was so tired from walking around the lake (three miles!) and walking all around the mall. So all I felt like doing was hanging out with some girls and watching a movie or something.

I ate dinner with my family, then went to Marina’s.

Me, Marina, and Lucy talked about a lot of things.

First, about the latest thing at our school right now … this guy who graduated in my sister’s grade committed suicide last weekend. He was friends with so many people. Like everyone I talk to knew him and loved him it seems like.

He was dealing coke and was in trouble with that, and people say he was in a gang. He wasn’t really doing anything with his life … he hanged himself with an extension cord in an abandoned warehouse. 😦

It’s just really sad. His funeral was yesterday. This girl who is a senior right now went out with him and had broken up with him like two weeks before he killed himself, so she is a complete wreck. She hasn’t been at school. And she’s a cheerleader … and the national cheerleading competition is right now, and she didn’t go and they had to edit their routine the day before they left.

I guess he was like full of coke when they found him.

I don’t know … just really sad.

Then Marina brought up that last summer her mom was going to kill herself. She had not told me that before, wow. I guess Marina’s mom had it all planned out and was going to do it where she was house-sitting and would have done it if Marina hadn’t ended up going with her.

That’s got to be so hard. Her mom is getting better, though …

On a completely different subject (well, still the subject of Marina), she also told me that … on Thursday night, she gave Devon a hand job.

WHILE Lucy and Brent were in the room, and they didn’t know. LMFAO. I’m glad I didn’t go.

This is what happened I guess: they were under a blanket, and Lucy and Brent were asleep (they were all watching a movie). Marina had her hands on her lap, and Devon was like caressing her hands and then moved her hands to his lap and kind of guided her to do it? I don’t really know … I didn’t ask for ALL the details. Then she just finished it I guess …

LOL Lucy was SO weirded out by it. I think it’s hilarious. But I wonder what is going to happen now. Michelle CAN’T find out, after what happened last time. I wonder when Marina and Devon will hook up again …

Anyway!! Then we all went and saw V for Vendetta. It was really, really good. I don’t even really like those types of movies that often, but it was good.

We saw and sat with Vanni, Matt, Elyse, Riley, and Dion there, too.

I got home at like midnight, and had a snack with Katherine and then we watched some OC. Then I went to bed …

And that was my weekend! It was good. And LONG. I love three-day weekends.

But now I have to do homework. 😦

Kristen and Dahlia are in Disneyland until Tuesday. I miss them! But at least Katherine’s here until they get back.

Okay … off to homework …

makin’ the money

2 March
School has been so intense lately.

It started getting really stressful around the end of January. I thought it was just because of finals.

Then the next week I thought it was because of the new semester.

The next I thought it was because it was right before Mid-Winter Break.

And now it’s this week. I’m starting to realize that this is “Junior Year: The Hardest Year of High School” that everyone keeps talking about. =\

In APLA yesterday we had to recite our soliloquy (Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow from Macbeth).

Then we had a pop quiz on Acts IV & V. Which I hadn’t read. Because there is really no point in reading it when I get nothing from the reading. So I started just reading the summaries and sparknotes because I get more from that.

But the pop quiz was kind of on specific details that I didn’t know, but I went and checked in my book afterward and I think I got 100%. I’m a good guesser!

In pre-calc we had a quiz today and I got 10/10. Yay.

And in Chem we got our tests back and I got 88%. Eh it’s okay.

For APUSH … she hasn’t given us our grades yet, only told us that 8 people in each class failed the test. Eek, that’s a third of my class! I’m going to be mad if I don’t do okay because I studied a lot.

Tomorrow we’re registering for classes for next year. Which reminds me, I need to look up online and see if any of the colleges I’m looking at require more than one Art credit. I REALLY hope not. I appreciate art when other people do it but me, myself, I’m really not artistically inclined.

So, next year I’m taking:

AP American Government & Economics
AP Literature & Composition
AP Calculus
Genetics
International Finance/Financial Planning
Either T.A./Fine Art or AP Statistics or T.A./T.A. (have to decideee that tonight)

FUN TIMES HUH?

Today at lunch Fer & I were talking about what we want to do in college.

She knows how I want to do something in psychology, and she said she thinks I would be a really good psychologist.

She said I am calming and I have a mellow vibe and I’m easy to talk to and I’m understanding and I’m not judgmental.

It was such a nice thing of her to say. And it made me really happy. 🙂

Yesterday was an early dismissal. So I got home at like 11:45.

I went to tutoring and did homework because Nadia is STILL in Hawaii. I also got my paycheck from Team Read yesterday — $70. That’s like nothing, though. Later I babysat Ava for an hour and made $12. And my aunt brought me a birthday card from my grandparents that they gave to her to give to me, and it had $10 in it. And Lucy gave me money for the alcohol from last Saturday night. So yesterday I made a total of $97. That’s not bad! 😉

Yesterday was Kristen’s last day at Starbuck’s. Dahlia and lots of other people gave her cards, and Dahlia gave her flowers. Then today was her first day at her new job. Dahlia made her a little good luck card. She’s so sweet.

And she has spent the night at our house the past five nights. LOL, She basically lives here. On me and my sisters’ doors, we each have a sign that says our name. They’re those kind that are from Hawaii and your name is written in like types of flowers and animals or whatever. Except mine’s from New York … haha. Anyway, we were saying how we should get Dahlia one and put it underneath Kristen’s. I think that’d be cute. 🙂

Anyway. I have twelve dialectical journals to do by tomorrow so I better go do that. I always end up writing way more than I mean to! Sorry! =\

My first real college visit.

6 February
Sigh.

I just can’t keep up with my journal anymore.

Actually, it’s not that I can’t keep up, it’s just that it’s not at the top of my priorities anymore.

I always go back and forth between what I’m into. Myspace, message boards, journaling…

Anyway.

Finals. Sucked.

I was SO exhausted by the end of them. I probably completely bombed my APLA and APUSH finals, because they were on Thursday. After three days I was just … yeah. Also, those are like, my two hardest classes. Gah.

Actually, I already know I didn’t do well on my APLA one. But I’ll get to that later.

After finals were over, I was relieved to be going to Portland with my mommy. Just to get away … and not worry about things. And the weekend in between semesters is always nice, because I have way less homework than usual. I still had an APUSH study guide, but that’s expected. It’s not that bad, anyways.

Portland was good. I liked our hotel, it didn’t have ugly bedspreads. LOL That is my criteria. And it was warm, unlike some freezing hotels I’ve been in. AND it had wireless internet connection. Not that we were in our room that much, but I approved. 🙂

I like downtown Portland, too. I never thought I would LIKE anything having to do with Oregon, but I have decided now that Portland is an exception. It’s really similar to downtown Seattle, except possibly nicer. It was just cute, and quaint, and I liked it.

The actual reason we went to Portland was to visit colleges. On Friday morning we went to Lewis & Clark. We had a tour, an info session, and then I went to a class.

The tour was good. I like the campus. Not as much as Whitman or Willamette (which we visited later), but I liked it okay. It still had lots of trees and red-brick buildings, which is what I want.

Our tour-guide was cool, too. She seemed nice.

The only thing I didn’t like about the tour was the types of people I saw walking around. I mean, based solely on appearances. They just seemed really hippie. Which is fine, I like laid-back people. But I also want to be around people who want to like go out and have fun … and I guess are more preppy because that’s what I’m like. I don’t know.

The info session was fine. All I can say is that it is going to be hard to distinguish between the schools. My like, top 5 or so are ALL small, liberal arts colleges with no sororities, strong study abroad programs, pretty campuses, “close-knit communities,” good SAT scores but not so good that I can’t get in, “work hard play hard” type … and yeah. To an extent they’re all the same. How am I going to decide if one is better than the other? I guess it’s good because those qualities are exactly what I want, but it’s hard to choose!

Then I went to the class. It was a beginning Economics class. My area of expertise! 😉 Not. But I did know what they were learning that day, elasticity. I felt smart because I already knew what they were just then learning. I liked the professor a lot, and the people in the class. The people seemed more like my type of people, less hippie than I had seen on the tour. And they all seemed nice.

The professor reminded me of my sixth grade English teacher who I loved. He was like the type of teacher that was a GOOD teacher and held their own ground, but that students still loved. Kind of intimidating, but once you got past that, a really nice old guy. So yeah. I liked the professor.

He kind of stopped in the middle of class, and realized he didn’t recognize me, and asked if I was a visitor. I said I was, and he asked my name & where I was from.

Then after class, the cute guy who was sitting next to me asked what high school I go to. He was from the same city as me, and went to a high school I know. Then he was like, “You guys just went through a big remodel, huh?” And I was like … uhh … I guess. I mean, a new school was built and opened in 2000. It wasn’t a remodel, it was a rebuild, and it didn’t JUST happen. So I don’t know. Maybe he was thinking of another school or something. He was cute though. And nice.

Later that day my mom & I went to Willamette. We hadn’t scheduled a visit for it, just wanted to look around. It took us awhile to find it, though. It is in Salem, Oregon. I don’t like that town. It shows the reason I don’t like Oregon as a whole, lol. I don’t know … to me it just seemed like trashy … not pretty or anything. Suburban-ish but not even the good type of suburban … like strip-malls and everything. I don’t know. I just didn’t get a good feeling from Salem.

The Willamette campus was pretty though. It was like an oasis in the town. It was more flat and open than Lewis & Clark, which I liked. And the buildings were pretty, the grass was really green, and there was a big stream running through it. I really liked the Willamette campus.

But I don’t think I’ll be pursuing it any further really, because I didn’t like Salem and it has a lot of sororities. I know I shouldn’t just write it off for that … but I am. Lol. I don’t want to be in a sorority, because they just seem shallow, exclusive, etc. I know that’s a big generalization, it’s just not what I want. And then I don’t want to go anywhere that has them, because I know I wouldn’t be in one, but I would feel left out not being in one, and not being a part of everything. So I just want to do away with the problem altogether and go somewhere where there aren’t any sororites & the people like it that way.

After Willamette we went to Powell’s books in Portland. It’s this huge bookstore … new & used. It was really cool. Me and my mom literally spent 3 hours there. Fun. We each bought three books. We also spent a lot of that time looking at the other books, like books with photographs of the United States and it’s scenery and stuff. I looked at this one book about Oaxaca, this place in Mexico that I went in 8th grade. It was cool because it had a lot of things in it that I had seen when I was there, so I could be like, “I’ve been there! I saw that!” and the pictures were really pretty and Oaxaca is just a really cool place. It’s pronounced wuh-ha-cah. I wanted to buy the book but it was $30. Not THAT cool.

On Saturday we went out to dinner with my Grandpa and his wife (my mom’s step-mom), Shirlee. Then we drove home.

On Saturday night I went to Michelle’s. Me, Michelle, Marina, Charla, Vanni, and David watched Batman Begins. It was pretty good … for me knowing nothing about Batman.

Then when that party died down (hah) at like midnight, I went and met up with Kristen, Dahlia, Lindsey, and Lindsey’s boyfriend Frank, at a bowling alley. They were bowling, and Kristen was drunk LOL. I just hung out there for like an hour, and then went home.

Sunday was Superbowl Sunday. Seahawks lost, boohoo. I actually don’t even care that much. I wanted the Seahawks to win like everyone here, but it’s not the end of the world for me that they didn’t. Not even close. The refs kind of suck (this is where I pretend to know what I’m talking about), but I don’t think we would have won anyways. We just didn’t play that well. Better calls would have HELPED, but not necessarily have made us win.

Kristen had friends over for the game, of course. Rebecca, Andrea, Haley, Brian, and Dahlia. Dahlia wasn’t there at first, and she wasn’t going to come. But Kristen like REALLY wanted her to. She was about to get mad at her if she didn’t come. Before the game, I was up in my room reading APUSH, and Dahlia came in and was like, “You better come downstairs! I came over for you!” Aw. 🙂

God, but of course Kristen & her friends were drinking (except Dahlia, because she’s only 18 and even though my parents wouldn’t have cared, she felt weird drinking around them because she’s underaged). They were like, you should drink with us! I was like, hell no not in the same house as my parents AND step-grandparents, LOL.

But then when I came downstairs they were in the dining room, which is kind of separate from the rest of the house, and they were like, “Corinne! Corinne! Come here!” and they had made me a shot. I was like, nooo … leave me alone. But they were like, “You have to! It’s the SUPERBOWL!” so I was like, fiiiiiine … just to get them to leave me alone. And I took the stupid shot, but I didn’t like get drunk off it or anything.

But then … LOL … Kristen TOLD my mom. She didn’t really care, but it’s just AWKWARD as hell. I don’t like that she knows I drink. It feels weird? Oh well.

After the game Kristen, Dahlia, and I went to their store so they could visit their co-workers who were working. (they work at Starbucks) We went through the drivethrough, and I guess the guy working didn’t know it was us. Dahlia was all, “Did the Seahawks win?!” and the guy was like, “No … ” and Dahlia wase all, “What?!?! Those damn Hawks!” and being really crazy-annoying customer. Haha it was funny, because the guy didn’t know it was Dahlia. Then we went inside and were like, surprise!

I met Shannon, this girl that works with them. From what I’ve gathered from being around Kristen and Dahlia a lot, I think Dahlia like looks up to her a lot or something. Probably feels the way about her that I feel about Dahlia. It just seems like she looks up to her a lot, and just wants to be around her more. She seems nice.

Then I watched Grey’s Anatomy, and was up probably way too late but oh well … it seems like a good show! First episode I had watched, but I liked it. It’s Dahlia’s favorite show. 🙂

Then today was the first day of the semester.

My first period changed from World of Finance to Banking & Credit. All the same people in the class though. Teacher and subject seem boring.

In APLA we got back our practice APLA test multiple choices. He only put one section’s score in the grade book, and on that one I got 7/11. Sadly, that is the BEST that I did on any of the sections. The others were 3/6, 5/9, and 1/6. ONE OUT OF SIX! Shoot. I’m stupid.

I’m worried because my grade in APLA is a 90%. He has graded ALMOST everything, but if I don’t do good on the last few things he has to put in, I could get a B in the class. That would just SUCK. I’ve had an A in that class all semester, to go down to a B at the final end and have that be the only thing that shows up on my transcript and everything just doesn’t seem fair!

In Pre-Calc we got our finals back, I got a 36/40 and have a solid A in that class for the semester. We got new seats, too, and I sit by Lucy. yay.

Chemistry is good too, because I got a 90% on the test and have a solid A.

APUSH is ALSO fine. She still has to add in our DBQ grades, which I probably did really bad on … But. I have a 91.6% right now, and she told our class that if we’re on the edge, and it goes down a grade because of the DBQ, she isn’t going to give us the lower grade. So I’ll still get an A. Phew. YAY. I don’t like her, but I’m thankful for that grading policy!

Then THANK GOD my Ceramics class changed at the semester to T.A. for the career center. Apparently the career center lady doesn’t come on Mondays, so she left us a note telling us to sign in and she’ll see us tomorrow. She has like 7 T.A.s for each period, because everyone wants to TA for her because it’s .5 credit instead of .25 (which it is for most teachers, but for offices & the library it’s .5) and she doesn’t make you do anything. And I think it’s occ-ed credit. Not that I need that, but whatever. So I got to leave early.

Of course it would have benefitted me more to stay there and do homework, because I just came home and procrastinated on myspace. Still haven’t done much homework tonight. I don’t have any that I absolutely HAVE to do, but there is stuff I SHOULD be doing. Eh. Oh well.

A really crappy day. :(

1 February
Yesterday was good because I got to sleep in and my finals weren’t hard at all.

Today was crappy because:

-I had to go to my chemistry tutorial to get help, and I didn’t even finish what I wanted to.
-I had to present my current event in Finance.
-My Finance final was kind of hard … eh.
-Chemistry final was REALLY hard.
-I had to tutor after school.
-I got a call after school saying I didn’t get the job I applied for. 😦
-I have to study a lot tonight for my APLA and APUSH finals.
-I only got 19/30 on my The Things They Carried annotations, which is a D. FUCK.

UGH.

Crappy mood.

Today was the last day of tutoring for this semester, so technically I don’t have to do it anymore.

I was really hoping I would get the other job because it paid really well and was going to look really good on applications and it would mean I wouldn’t have to tutor anymore.

I like tutoring okay but I’m just getting sick of it.

I don’t HAVE to do it anymore but I feel like I should … because:

-it took Nadia so long to get comfortable around me and everything, it would be a waste of her time to have to do that all over again. It would be like going backwards in her learning process …
-Long term commitments look good on college apps and resumes. I have done it for 4 months, but I feel like I should do it for 4 more because it looks good.
-Even though it’s very little money, I like getting paid. it’s better than nothing.
-I just feel like I should be doing something after school since I’m not going to have anything else to do really.

But I just don’t want to do it anymore. Vanni isn’t doing it next semester and I don’t want to … I’m sick of it and I don’t like the people there and it’s boring. But what else am I going to do to make some money / put on college applications?

ugh. I hate finals. I wish I had gotten that job, really bad.

Tomorrow for the APLA final we are taking a full lenght A.P. LA exam. Multiple choice and two essays. and then in APUSH we are writing a DBQ. AND I have to get up early tomorrow because we’re taking the APLA multiple choice during the tutorial.

GOD. today sucks really bad.