Tag Archives: drinking

a failing perfectionist

6 May
The past week I’ve been in an I-hate-the-world mood.

I hate: school, most people at my school, teachers, work, stress, overcast weather, the list goes on …

AP Tests are over now. Thank God.

However I still don’t feel the relief I thought I would feel when they were over.

Most of my teachers were “putting stuff off” until after the AP tests so I’m going to have just as much work to do in the next week as I did in the last week.

AP Tests were impossibly hard and I’m just not perfect enough to do well on them.

The past week I’ve really felt the pressure to be perfect and GAH.

Elyse & Eta annoy me. So does Vanni but with Vanni I actually feel like I want to be friends with her in the long run (well, kinda). With Elyse and Eta I just feel done.

But I have to be fake towards them. If I acted how I felt I would be a huge bitch. So I’m just fake-ish.

They’re just … indescribable. I don’t think everyone feels like reading a novel, and I don’t feel like writing one, so you’ll just have to trust me that they’re incredibly annoying.

They’re so PERFECT and think they’re above everyone, for one. I’ll just leave it at that.

School has been so stressful. On top of feeling the need to be perfect (and failing) … gah.

The APLA test: I studied the day before. I know I should’ve started earlier. But I just could never motivate myself or make myself. So I started on Sunday. I studied a lot on Sunday, though.

The test on Monday was … hard. I didn’t finish the multiple choice section. The essays were alright.

The APUSH test: I started studying on Tuesday. Did a group study with Michelle, Vanni, Alice, and Andrea and that was helpful. Studied what I felt like was a lot, but I always felt like I could do more and it was very overwhelming.

The test was today. It was hard. The multiple choice was hard. My essays were crap. Of course other people (more perfect people) probably thought it was easy and that just makes me sad.

I don’t mean to feel all oh-feel-sorry-for-me, but that’s how it’s turning out.

For Academy of Finance I was supposed to have an interview on Wednesday (which was just adding to my stress GOD) but it got canceled and I didn’t find out til Wednesday during the day, so that sucked. It was good and bad that it got canceled: good because it took some stress off, and bad because I’m just going to have to make it up …

In Pre-calc I have the lowest grade I’ve had all year. It’s like a B-. GOD. Major stressor here. And my teacher has been being an ass. He’s just crabby. I won’t go into specifics because I never do anymore but GRR he aggrivates me so much.

Even though my grade was so high in that class last quarter that I can still get like a B- and get an A in the class for the semester. But it would really bother me to get a bad grade when I know I CAN do better. I’ve never gotten below like an 86% or so in a class! Not that it makes a difference, it’ll just say “B” and it won’t even be on my transcript but STILL. I’m just a perfectionist but a failing one. It’s hard to be a failing perfectionist!!

My mom says I’m being too hard on myself (in general) but I can’t help it. It’s like, last year I was kind of good but right now I’m slipping back into that perfectionist-comparing myself to everyone mentality that I had freshman year and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s not like I can just tell myself not to care because I DO care. And I thought it would get better after AP tests, but we’ll see …

Anyways. Chemistry is also kind of stressing me out, but not because of my grade, that’s fine, but because I have old old missing assignments that I need to just get DONE and turn them in, but I can’t seem to get around to them. Maybe now that AP tests are over (see what I mean? I just keep putting things off until after the tests).

This week was also stressful because I kept having to retake/take/makeup/finish tests/homework/etc before school, during break, during lunch, and after school. So I didn’t get to do things I had wanted to do. Like talk to my friends since we’re drifting apart or go to club meetings.

Like this one club that is a mentoring thing that’s coming to my school. Upperclassmen mentor freshman and it looks cool. I think it sounds cute. 🙂 They need 40 from my class, and I definitely think I’m in the top 40 of my class …

Of course, to get support for the program started, they had teachers recommend some students. You didn’t have to be recommended to do it, but it got people to know what it is and stuff. I didn’t get recommended. 😦 Stupid people like Mya did. That was just annoying.

Oh! And then there was Key Club/NHS nominating and voting for next years’ officers.

So on Tuesday I had Key Club. I’m secretary this year so I knew I wanted to run for something again next year. It makes sense, RIGHT, to be something like secretary one year and then run for VP or something higher the next? (Not that it matters what I am because Eta, the president, doesn’t include me in any of the planning or anything)

Well, I get to the meeting on Tuesday and I have second lunch. A ton of people have first lunch so they had already decided who was running for what in that lunch.

Keep in mind that Charla is NOT stupid or clueless or any way whatsoever and she CANNOT play that card because she got a 2340 on her SAT and well, she just isn’t stupid. So she knew I wanted to run for VP.

AND she is already running for President of NHS and will probably win.

But I get there and she is running for VP! UGH. And I didn’t want to run against her because we’re such good friends. And then Eta is running for president again and Elyse is running for treasurer. So I’m left to run for … secretary again. GREAT! And even that I have to run against Kim, who I like and don’t want to run against. But they left me no choice!! It just made me so mad because gee, my friends in first lunch REALLY left me no room to be a Key Club officer at all next year.

Maybe I just won’t run. Cross my name off the list. What kind of a club would it be run by Eta, Charla, and Elyse, anyway? Super perfect and … can’t think of the word … just making people feel bad about themselves 24/7 on every scale possible. Maybe I don’t even want to be in it next year. Will it REALLY make that much of a difference on college apps? Hmmm …

That just pissed me way off.

Oh, and then, I was saying how I didn’t want to run against Charla and Fer was like, “I will!” which just made me mad because even though I’m annoyed-ish with Charla at the moment, Fer was more than willing to run against Charla which just pisses me off. People dislike Charla for no reason. It just seems like since I generally like the same types of people, and I like both of them a lot, they could like each other. It’s not like any event happened between them that is making Fer hold a grudge. But nooo, she just can’t like Charla.

Then on Wednesday NHS elections were held.

For president: Charla vs. Elyse
GOD I didn’t really want to vote for either of them. I was tempted to not vote. But I knew that in the long run, even though I’m a tad annoyed with Charla for now, I would rather have a club run by her than Elyse.

For treasurer: Kim vs. Jillian
I wanted to vote for Jillian and know she would do a better job. But now that I’m running against Kim for NHS … I just feel kind of bad for running against her because we’re friends-ish and I would be kind of upset if someone I thought I was friends-ish was running against me. And it would be sad if she lost both. So I voted for her. Then again, if she wins both, that would be even worse for me. Hmm.

In the other areas of friends …

Marina and I are good. Michelle and I are pretty good, but she has all these other friends that she has made since we have been drifting apart and that bothers me. Not like bothers me enough to do anything about it like be really jealous, just makes me sad that me and Michelle don’t have all the same friends anymore. That my group in general is/has splitting/split up.

I guess MY group of friends used to be THE group, and everyone was friends with everyone. Now MY group of friends is about a billion different little groups, and it’s complicated when people don’t like other people and then certain little groups are also part of another little group that I’m not part of …

For example, Fer doesn’t like Charla. Charla doesn’t dislike Fer but they aren’t friends (but that’s all Fer’s doing). Marina doesn’t like Fer and vice versa. Vanni doesn’t like Charla and Charla doesn’t know this but gets annoyed with Vanni. Marina didn’t used to like Charla (AT ALL) but now they get along very well (that = happy happy happy). Michelle and Marina were in a fight for awhile (about Devin stuff) and are getting better. It’s just complicated … I can’t hang out with ALL my good friends at once like I used to be able to.

It’s like there’s no group anymore. I think of a group like how we used to be. For example Vanni’s birthday party would be the same people as Fer’s birthday party and as my birthday party because we all had the same friends. And those parties would just be like any other weekend because we all hung out together all the time anyway.

I guess some diversity is good, but …

Then there’s boys.

Or lack thereof.

In my last entry (I think it was) I talked about how there are no boys I could like (all I want is to LIKE someone, make life a little more interesting. PLEASE that’s all I’m asking for). That night I looked through the yearbook for possibilities and I found three, count em THREE, boys I could crush on. One was this kid in my Chemistry class who’s name I can’t think of right now. He’s just cute and I don’t know anything about him so that’s appealing.

Two was this kid who I have seen like TWICE in the hall, and he is very cute and from what I know about him seems nice. Unreachable though, since I don’t know him at all or know anymore who knows him or ever talk to him or see him.
Three is a senior in my Chemistry class who I think is cute and seems nice. Just found out he asked Stephani to prom though, so that crosses that one off the list.

GOD. The sad thing is even if cute/better guys DID go to my school, they would get like gobbled up by other girls who are ______er than me (prettier, flirtier, smarter, etc). Pessimissic, I know.

Speaking of prom, Elyse is going. One more thing to add to the list of why she is so perfect, and she knows it. That’s the annoying part, that she knows it and flaunts it and brags and is frickin annoying. Eta on the otherhand is just really really self righteous. I thought of her when I was studying for the APUSH test and the South thought the North had too many -isms (feminism, abolitionism, etc). It just made me think of her.

AND Michelle got asked to prom but said no (idiot!). Lots of other junior girls are going. To go along with the theme of this entry: just makes me feel bad, inferior …

Finally, there is family.

Katherine is home this weekend for her friend’s wedding.

I might go to the wedding, but I don’t really want to. Weddings bore me like no other if I don’t know the person that well [anymore]. Yeah, I’ve known her since I was born but what do I really know about her TODAY? That she is pregnant with this guys kid so they are having a rush wedding and that I would have to figure out what to wear and how to make small talk with random people I haven’t seen in forever. Yeah, probably not going.

Plus, it’s the day right after the AP test and the only reason I would go to this wedding would be to TRY to get drunk. Because that is my goal for sometime in the near future.

Kristen was SO ANNOYING tonight. I had to pick her up from the bar because she couldn’t drive. But then on the way home she was saying how she might go out again later. Why the heck did I pick you up then?! And then she decided ice cream. We got to the place, she changed her mind. We got home, she stayed in the car and told Katherine to stay and didn’t start talking til I closed my door. Gee, thanks. Glad to see we’re still in seventh grade. And I could HEAR them, because she is a drunken idiot. Kristen wanted to go back out with Katherine but didn’t think I would want to drive them or something. And she was saying how alll her friends would be so happy to see Katherine. I’m glad she considers me a friend, too. Because she definitely doesn’t. She STILL sees me as her immature little sister and just doesn’t care. I consider her one of my best friends, but whatever.

Katherine was kind of annoying too. Whenever we go somewhere together, she uses the time in the car (and sometimes that’s the only time where WE could get to talk because it’s just us) to return all her phone calls. This means 1) we don’t get to talk and it just seems like she doesn’t care, 2) I have to turn down the radio so she can hear and 3) I have to listen to her stupid annoying sorority sister gossip.

In other news, apparently Dahlia is moving in with us. I only heard this second hand (in one of Katherine’s phone calls today). I’m so glad my family tells me things and updates me! That is all I know, really. Dahlia’s mom is moving out of her apartment because she can’t afford rent (on top of chemo) and into her other daughter’s apartment (who probably can’t afford to take care of/feed/etc her mom because she isn’t that well off either) and Dahlia is moving in here. Or something. I don’t know. It’s just sad. Dahlia isn’t herself. And I don’t feel the same way about her. I still love her (unconditionally) but I’m not all like “Aw I love Dahlia she’s so nice!” all the time. I’m just, meh whatever. I don’t feel like she ever considered me a great friend anyway. Kristen is “the only one who understands” her.

One more thing. I need to change the vibe I give off to people, apparently. Lately I keep finding out that people always think I’m mad or sad or rolling my eyes at them or snobby or SOMEthing, and I totally don’t even feel that way all the time. I think I roll my eyes because my eyes are dry. Well, sometimes it’s definitely intended but not ALWAYS. I don’t know. People just think I’m … not happy or friendly.

sigh. tomorrow is a me day. I hope hope hope it’s nice out so I can sit outside and just RELAX.

Oh, PS. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t even watched Idol yet from this week! Tuesday night’s, I mean. I kind of watched Wednesday. THAT RIGHT THERE IS EXTREME.

missing something that was never there.

29 April
God my internet has been annoying lately. It only works like half the time and is slow. I don’t know what’s wrong.

I feel kind of blah right now.

Let’s see, this week.

Ugh for the Finance internship I found out I have a group interview on Wednesday. I do not want to do a group interview. Only this company does group ones (that I know of) and I could always say I can’t go (just have to decide a day in advance) because more interviews/opportunities for internships will be coming later.

But then like, what if I don’t get an internship later? And I regret not going to this one? And what if it’s not that bad, and it’s probably a good experience for later on.

I hate making decisions. I wish I had someone to make this one for me. Because I know I should go and I’ve got nothing to lose, but I REALLY don’t want to. ugh.

Eta and Elyse have been annoying me like no other recently.

One, they’re so above everyone else and think they’re better than everyone. They think they’re the smartest people ever and the most morally correct people ever. And those types of people annoy me. Just be REAL, geez. Everything they do has to be soo PC and just “the right thing” and they totally judge other people constantly and you can FEEL it. Also they’re attached at the hip and even though they’re all about being nice and everything that goes along with that, they’re not so good at being inclusive and making other people feel good. They want to be, but they aren’t.

And I have two classes with both of them in them: APLA and Pre-Calc. And then APUSH with just Elyse.

Here is one, just one example of what they are like in each of these classes.

In APUSH we got a practice test back. There are 80 multiple choice questions but our teacher just made it out of 50 because otherwise it would’ve brought down people’s grades too much. And she went, “So for those of you who got more than 50, you just got 50 in the gradebook.” And Elyse calls out, “We don’t get extra credit?!” Ugh just the way she said it and the fact that she said it, like she had to advertise the fact that she got more than 50 and she thinks she’s so smart. And I know that was the reason because she doesn’t even NEED extra credit. She has like a 98% in that class and it will never go below that.

They’re just really annoying lately.

In pre-calc … I have a B- for this quarter right now. But the quarter just started and we’ve only had like 6 assignments. Four homeworks and two quizzes. On one of the quizzes I got a D (=\ I need to make that up) and the other an A-, so I guess it averages out out 80%. Blah. That kinda sucks.

In Chemistry I have an A and it’s going well and everything. I finally took the test that I missed while I was in Spain and handed in the packet, but I didn’t do the labs. So my quarter grade probably won’t be great, but it’s just a progress report so whatever.

Ugh the test was so hard though. I took it yesterday after school.
1. It was just hard, period.
2. My teacher and student teacher kept talking. And talking, and talking, and talking.
3. Allie was in there getting help and was really distracting.
4. Various people kept coming in to ask for help or just TALK. PEOPLE, GO HOME. They didn’t even have to be there and they still were on a Friday after school?!
5. It was a Friday after school and it was sunny out and I wanted to go home.
6. Charla, Michelle, and Marina were waiting for me and I just wanted to go be with them!
7. They didn’t have to wait for me and I didn’t tell them to, but they did and it put pressure on me to hurry up because I was in there a LONG time. But then that pressure just made me work slower.
8. Apparently I never got 2 worksheets from the packet, so when those types of questions were on the test, I didn’t know how to do them.

It was just a bad experience & I think I did bad & I was in a bad mood when I was done. Bad, what a descriptive word, right?

I had a dentist/orthodontist (they’re the same person for me) appointment on Tuesday. I have no cavities, but I have to go in AGAIN (and I HATE going there) next Tuesday to get my retainer fixed or maybe a new one. God.

Then I had an eye doctor appointment on Thursday and basically, I’m blind. I wear Acuvue 2 contact lenses. And apparently, that brand doesn’t make the contact lenses strong enough for me. So we’re switching brands to another one that is allowed to make contacts for a higher prescription. GOD Why am I so messed up? It’s funny and it’s not my fault but it’s just like, geez. I have the worst vision ever.

Yesterday after school Marina came over and we talked and that was nice. Very nice. Then Lucy came and we talked some more, then we met Michelle and Charla downtown to see American Dreamz. It was okay. I mean it was funny but kind of ridiculous, but then again I didn’t expect it to be that good. Then we (+ Devon) went back to Lucy’s and hung out. Fun. Charla gave me and Michelle a ride home.

In the car we were talking about colleges (always comes up) and I just CAN’T do that with Michelle. She is so clueless and it really annoys me when people think they know what they’re talking about but they really don’t. And people just get it into their heads that they want to go to Scripps or UCLA or Stanford JUST because they’ve heard about those schools. They don’t know anything about them. I just can’t have those conversations with Michelle, it bugs me too much.

And then after we dropped Michelle off, Charla told me that Eta was like, “Lucy won’t tell what she got on the SATs because she thinks she did bad. And neither will Corinne.” And Charla said, “Well I don’t think it’s because Corinne did bad, she just wants it to be private.” Charla knows that obviously but she couldn’t tell Eta that. And I don’t know … haha … is it weird that it just gives me some sort of satisfaction to be able to not tell Eta? Because it does. It really does. Eta bothers meeee.

And this entry has been almost completely about school. It takes over my life. In one week I will be done with AP tests and life will be better. Maybe? I feel kind of blah right now and I don’t know why.

Later
Late night update, yay.

Today I basically did nothing all day. pretty much.

I … went to Office Max with my mom. I cleaned my room. I went on the computer. It rained a lot outside.

I rented Two Weeks Notice and watched it with my mommy. ❤ I love that movie, so cute.

And now I’ve just been on the computer for awhile …

I was looking around on myspace and just looking at all these people’s pages.

Does this ever happen to anyone where you’re on myspace or something and you just get really … nostalgic? I don’t know if that’s the right word. Kind of.

Nostalgic because I miss old friends that I’ve lost touch with.

And even if I don’t care to be friends with the person anymore, just sad in general because everyone seems so … happy on myspace.

I guess nostalgic because I was looking at this group of freshman girls’ myspaces and they just seemed so carefree and fun and simple. They haven’t hit AP classes or colleges or any of that stuff yet. There group hasn’t split up into little groups yet, they’re still all best friends. I just miss all that. Even though freshman year sucked so I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Maybe I don’t miss it because it never was like that, I just wish it would be like that? I don’t know I’m being really vague.

It just makes me sad and I wish my life could be more like other people’s sometimes.

And this girl (Lauren is the specific girl, and her group of friends. she is my old neighbor but we never talk anymore) has/had a boyfriend … well I can’t tell if they still go out or not because both their pages say single, but there are pictures of them together and people commented with things saying they’re cute. And they comment on each others’ pages and end with “i love you”. So I don’t know.

But just the fact that she has this guy she’s really close to and she has all these great friends and they seem really close and know each other really well and just get along, and they are a fun group of girls. I’m just jealous. Not like bad jealous, I’m happy for her but I wish my life could be more like that.

She’s had a boyfriend and said I love you and I haven’t …

And I want a boyfriend or something but only because I feel like I’m missing out on that. I want to fall in love and have a relationship and all that stuff. I feel like every one else is experiencing this thing and I’m just missing out.

But 1) I’m really feeling so uninspired when it comes to guys right now. I don’t like anyone AT ALL right now. British boy? no. Tony? noooo. Brent? NOOOOO. And I don’t have anyone else in my mind that I would consider. and 2) even if I did like someone, it’s not like I would do anything about it. I’m too shy.

That’s just … depressing. I like the idea of having a boyfriend but I can’t think of anyone I would want to be my boyfriend.

The nice guys are my school are completely shy and antisocial or just plain strange. The cute/outgoing guys are jerks or just not accessible for me because I don’t know them or talk to them or I’m just not their … type.

Anyway, though.

I didn’t study for APLA or APUSH at all today. I’m really bad. God, I don’t even want to think about those or school or friends or anything.

I want to drink. I haven’t since I was in Spain, and even there I never got like really drunk, just buzzed. Sooo I think next weekend, after the AP tests are OVER and Katherine will be home (for her friend’s wedding) … hmmmm … I think that needs to happen.

Other than that … that’s pretty much all.

back to reality

23 April
I’ve been busy busy busy.

I miss Spain. A lot. I miss being there. I miss the sun. I miss being close with the 7 or 8 other junior girls on the trip. I miss Nancy. I just want to go back!

And it made it suck to come back even more to have alll this shit to catch up on. I’ve been so stressed this week. Still am …

AP tests are coming up and I’m dreading them like no other.

In APUSH we took a practice multiple choice one and I got 36 right, 23 wrong, and skipped 21. The example she gave got 40 right and she said most of the class will be around there. So at least I’m not that far from average. I think I’ll be better on the actual test because 1) I will have studied and 2) I won’t have been in Spain for 10 days, blocking US History out of my mind.

Let’s seee. I saw Friends with Money. Love Jennifer. The movie was a bit strange, but I liked it. Even though it was depressing and kind of confirmed my views about love/marriage/life. So I don’t know.

And I read Just Listen. It was waiting for me when I came back from Spain, a surprise, because I had pre-ordered it on Amazon a long time ago and then forgotten about it.

I read it pretty fast, for me (slow reader, and busy doesn’t make for reading books very fast, or often anymore). Do you know when the last book I read for pleasure was? Because I don’t. I think … oh … the Virgin Suicides in AUGUST. Geez. And I used to read so much. 😦 I hate you school for taking over my life.

Just Listen was good. My favorite Sarah Dessen books, though, are still Dreamland, Keeping the Moon, and the Truth About Forever. I don’t know why, those are just my favorites.

It was kind of like This Lullaby for me: good and everything, and I was into it, but I couldn’t always relate to it as much as the other books. It was cute though. Sometimes I wanted to SHAKE her, though. For not trying harder to stay friends with Clarke in 7th grade. For not telling someone about Will. For leaving Bendo that night? What?! I didn’t even get why she would leave. She could’ve just TOLD Owen and he would’ve been understanding. I didn’t understand why she didn’t want to.

Other than that, honestly, it was great. I just didn’t understand why she did those things, and it bothered me.

I squealed when Wes and Macy, and then Dexter and Remy made an appearance! I loved the Wes & Macy one more, though, because 1) I liked them better and 2) it was more subtle, so I felt more special when I caught it. Never did get the Boo one, though …

Anyway, moving on. I’m sick. 😦 So I didn’t do anything yesterday or today except homework, read Just Listen, watch Friends, etc. Oh, today I did some homework outside for two hours and got some sun! Of course, it’s burn, but whatever. I don’t care, it’s something.

Ah, 4/20 came and went on … Thursday was it? yay for that. *sarcasm* I didn’t celebrate. This year it was SO different from last year. It was such a big deal last year! Everyone was high all day, and everyone wanted to smoke so they could say they did or whatever. And I did “celebrate” last year. But not this year. I honestly just don’t care, plus I don’t like smoking anymore so … if it were a drinking holiday, it’d be another thing!

Speaking of drinking though, I don’t even care about that as much as I used to. For now. Maybe my partying phase has moved on. It’s just that for the past year, if an opportunity to drink would come up, I would take it. And I did. But now, I won’t just drink ANYtime. Just when I feel like it, or when I think it’s going to be fun. I don’t know. I still like to drink, love it, I’m just a little over always wanting to do it all the time.

What else. Oh, Kristen is looking at apartments to move out. 😦 She annoys me and everything but I don’t want her to move out. I don’t want to be the only kid still left! That’s going to be so depressing, so quiet around the house.

And her and Dahlia are fighting, I think. She acts like they’re fine, but I know they had a little fight on Friday. And then, Kristen was here all day yesterday and all day today and Dahlia hasn’t been over at all. Which is RARE. She practically lives here, or so I thought.

Which makes me sad, because Kristen is my connection to Dahlia, and if they aren’t as good of friends any more, when will I ever see Dahlia? Or if Kristen moves out? Dahlia better come visit me or something! 😦

Their fight was something about how Dahlia doesn’t like Kristen going out all the time (Dahlia isn’t 21 so she can’t go) and wishes Kristen would be there for her more in a time like this, or something. Which … all of it might be a little dramatic, but I love Dahlia. I don’t think she’s doing anything intentional to be dramatic, it’s just how she feels.

And her mom DOES have cancer, after all. I’m not really sure what’s going on with that.

Anyway, I better get back to homework. *sigh*

me encanta espana.

17 April
I’m home from Spain and I don’t want to be.

I loved it. Obviously I can’t tell you every little detail from the trip, so lets just say:

I had a ton of fun.
I loved Nancy (one of the chaperone’s) and I miss her.
Kris is kind of a moody bitch but that didn’t ruin anything.
I loved the group I traveled with.
Eight of us got really close and I hope we all hang out outside of Spain.
I liked the small towns better than Madrid.
I loved the narrow streets.
Shopping in Madrid wasn’t very exciting because it was all stuff you could buy at Forever 21.
I saw Columbus’ and Charles V’s tombs.
I loved Toledo and Mijas the most.
I got lost a lot.
We saw a lot of churches and palaces.
Every building was gorgeous.
Our tour guide, Nieves, was really nice and cute.
Bye bye British accents, I now love Spanish accents.
Everyone in our group got sick at one point, whether it was throwing up or just a cold.
I didn’t like Seville, too dirty and crowded and I had a bad getting lost experience there.
Being there during Holy Week (Semana Santa or Santa Semana? I forget.) was interesting but hectic.
It made me want to take more Spanish classes but realize how hard it would be to study abroad there.
Sangria is yummy.
It’s so cool being able to buy and order alcohol.
It was also cool seeing my name a lot.
Our tour bus was way too cold.
Granada was a good change after Seville.
Charla & I got left behind in Granada but we had an adventure and found our group.
I tried squid, shrimp, and octopus and all of them were gross but I’m proud of myself for trying them.
I got a little burnt/tan but I don’t know if people other than me can tell.
I went in the Mediterranean.
There were lots of flowers everywhere and they smelled really good.
There were two things I did (almost) every day: went to either a church or palace and drank some sort of alcohol.
The beach on the Costa del Sol was beautiful.
It was a long ride back.
I really miss it.
I miss Nancy and all the girls I was with.
It feels weird to have nothing to do and to be home and to not be with all those people.
I do NOT want to go back to school or do any of the work I need to do to catch up.

home alone

31 March
The only interesting things that happened today all had to do with school …

Had a test in pre-calc. I think it went well. I checked all my answers about 239,487 times, so I better have done well.

In Chemistry we got our tests from last week back. It was the one where I wasn’t sure I was ready to take it, and I had my mom write me a note saying I could be excused from Chemistry in case I decided I wasn’t ready yet. But I ended up just going because I wanted to get it over with. And guess who got the highest grade in the class? Can you believe that?! Me and Claire (a girl in my class who is really smart and really nice) tied for the highest score, an 87%. So we set the curve. He added 12% to everyone’s grade, so mine is 99% now! Yay, that made me really happy.

In APUSH we got an in-class DBQ we wrote awhile ago back. I got a 6 (out of 9 for the AP scale) which is good. For that class, I usually consider a 6 good enough. If I get a 7 or an 8 I’m really happy. And if I [ever] get a 9, I’d be … ecstatic. Below a 6 isn’t so good, and I was afraid I was going to get a 4 or a 5, so I’m happy with my 6. She wrote some good constructive criticism on there too, so that’s good.

Then we got our quizzes from last Friday back. I got 18/20, which is good. But it made my grade in the class go DOWN. Because before this we had only had one test and I got 100% on it, so my grade in the test/quiz category was 100%. Now it’s … not. But I still have a good grade.

Yep. So all of that stuff was pretty good news.

All the classes were short today because we had a pep assembly at the end of the day. It was pretty good, I thought.

Oh geez. So erm … Kristen went out to a bar last night. And my parents are out of town so it was just me home. It was scary. 😦

Anyway, I expected Kristen to get home at like 2 or 3, because that’s when she usually gets home. And she said she would be coming home.

But I couldn’t sleep very well. Probably because I was stressed out and I hate being home alone at night. Especially at my house. We have these huge windows that cover up the whole wall in the family room. So if the lights are on inside and it’s dark outside, people can see in and I can’t see out. That just really creeps me out. I’m always afraid a scary face is just going to pop up or something. I swear I should be like a scary-movie director, I think of the weirdest things when I’m scared.

Anyway, I kept waking up and looking out my window to see if she was home yet. Around 2 and again around 3 I kept waking up. She wasn’t home yet but I was thinking she would be soon because the bars close at 2.

Then I fell asleep until again until like 5. I woke up and looked outside and she STILL wasn’t home. So then I got kind of worried. I just didn’t know where she was/why she wouldn’t call or something.

I texted her but she didn’t respond. I couldn’t really go back to sleep which sucks. I got up at 6:15 to start getting ready and I called her and she didn’t answer or call back.

So I was just worried throughout the whole morning …

Then at the beginning of finance she texted me and said “I’m fine :)” but I still didn’t know where she was. Called her at break and turns out she spent the night at a friend’s because she got tired/too drunk to drive home.

I’m glad she’s okay. I told my mom and my mom said they will have to have a talk about her “responsibilities in the family” because my mom asked her to stay home with me while they were out of town but she hasn’t really been taking care of me.

And I told Dahlia too, who’s over right now but in the shower, and she had the same reaction as my mom. They both seem really disappointed in Kristen or something. I guess I understand that but I’m not like mad at her.

Anyway. I better go do some homework. I have a lot this weekend.

blahhhh

25 March
I feel blah and I don’t know what to do about it to make myself feel better.

I don’t know who to talk to because I don’t really know what to say.

I just feel all stressed out and I don’t know why. It’s not even about school. It’s about school and my friends and my family and just everything.

I tried to talk to Katherine a little but she didn’t really get what I was trying to say so her advice didn’t really make sense, and I didn’t feel like explaining it again.

I’m not used to this. Every time I’m stressed out it has to do with school and it’s something really … tangible. Like if I just do the work and get it over with, then I’m not stressed out anymore. But this, there is like no reason really for me to be this stressed out so I don’t know what to do to make it go away.


I just feel like … with my friends … I’m really drifing apart from Eta and Michelle and Elyse. That’s not even the main thing though, I don’t know. I haven’t really talked talked to them in awhile, and haven’t hung out with them outside of school in … let’s see … Michelle: two weeks. Eta: well I saw her at the Showing on February 11th but we didn’t really hang out, so before that January 29th. Elyse: three weeks. (I know these dates ’cause I’m OCD like that and I write down everything I do on my calendar … ) THAT IS JUST TOO LONG. Especially for Eta. Almost two months?!?!? I feel like I can hardly consider her one of my good friends any more. 😦

I could hang out with Eta tonight, ’cause we were texting earlier about how we want to but she’s another friend’s. And Michelle is maybe having people over, and Marina is supposed to call me about that but she hasn’t. Plus I think I’m watching a movie with Katherine ’cause it’s her last night.

And I’m just getting really sick of Vanni. And not of them, but of hanging out with Marina Lucy Devon and Brent all the time. I love them, but yeah.

Vanni’s just … confusing and seems so premeditated sometimes and I don’t know. I’m just sick of her. I need to like, not hang out with her at all until Spain so that I can take her.

I feel like just sleeping right now but then the sooner I go to sleep the sooner I have to get up and the sooner it’s Sunday and Katherine is gone and I have to do homework and go back to school. 😦

And Kristen … god. Today for my mom’s birthday celebration, well Kristen was at her friend’s wedding earlier so she came home and was DRUNK and so annoying. I kept laughing at her and rolling my eyes and making fun of her, because EVERYone was, how could you not?? And she was all, “Corinne! Don’t make fun of me or I’ll tell ALL YOUR SECRETS!” GOD. She’s just so annoying when she’s drunk and I’m not (LOL). I just couldn’t stand her.

AND, Every time it’s my mom’s birthday or Christmas, she always buys my mom a ton of stuff or really nice stuff and makes me and Katherine look bad. 😦

I’m just really … BLAH right now. I don’t know why. It feels like everything is just piling up and it probably isn’t even that bad but it’s the mood I’m in. PMS maybe.

And then Kristen like YELLED so the whole house could hear, “Corinne I’ll be here next weekend so we should have a party!” And ugh now my mom is gonna be all suspicious.

That’s another thing, I can’t really talk to my mom anymore. I can’t tell her about half the things going on my in my life if they have to do with drinking. So that sucks. I want to talk to her right now … but I don’t know. I feel weird.

And like I was saying last entry I really want a boyfriend. I feel pathetic that I’ve never had one. I feel like Marina and Fer and Vanni are all gonna be talking about boy stuff and not want to include me or something. And at least Elyse and Michelle and Eta are in the same boat as me, but at least Elyse and Michelle are/have been CLOSE to having boyfriends, like they’ve had “things” with guys or whatever. Eh I don’t know.

Did I mention Vanni and Matt had sex? Well they did. Oh she hasn’t told me though. GREAT! I’m so glad she feels like she can talk to me. It’s about time though because they’ve gone out for over a frickin’ year. She didn’t tell me OR Marina, she told Brent of all people who told Marina who told me. It’s just insulting that Vanni doesn’t feel like she can tell me stuff.

Oh and now apparently Kristen wants us to come get her drunk ass from the bar because she is tired. Because I REALLY want to be around her more right now.

Sorry for all the complaining. I just needed to.

It means that I, like God, do not play with dice and I don’t believe in coincidences.

19 March
This weekend I hung out with Marina, Lucy, Devon, Brent, and Vanni at first, but that was kinda boring …

Then I had a Spain meeting. I leave in less than three weeks!! I’m so excited. I can’t believe it’s so soon.

Then, I decided to hang out with Katherine and her friends at our house. It was pretty fun! I like it when someone else (Katherine or Kristen) has parties at our house because then it’s still MY house but I don’t have to worry about my friends throwing up or anything …

Katherine’s sorority sisters are okay. I have 2 that are my favorites. 🙂

On Friday I went downtown with Katherine and her friends. I got a little annoyed though, because Katherine is SOO slow. I bought a pink t shirt from American Eagle, yay …

Then we dropped her friends off, and went out to dinner with our aunts. They wanted to see Katherine while she’s in town. So that was yummy?

Then Katherine and I came back home and figured out what to do …

For me it was either go hang out with Marina, Lucy, Devon, and Brent. OR Stay home. OR go out with Katherine and her high school friends.

I decided on the last one.

So Katherine and I pre-funked here a little … which was weird because I’m not used to doing that at MY house since my parents are usually here. But they were STILL out of town.

Then Katy and Elle picked us up and we met up with 2 other girls (all HS Friends of Caitlin’s. They’re nice).

So they had this friend who was having a party outside of town, not exactly that close. But we decided to go because Katherine wanted to hang out with them, so whatever they were doing she was willing to do.

It took like AN HOUR to get to there, and then we got to the house and there were like five people there! gah. We had a glass of champagne, which I had never had before and I didn’t like it. At all. And then we left because it was boring …

Took another hour to drive BACK. We dropped the friends off because they were doing something else, and went to Katherine’s friend’s house, who was supposedly having a party, too.

But we got THERE and there were only like 5 people there! WTF. But it wasn’t as bad that time because Katherine actually knows Kaylan. So we hung out there for awhile.

But we weren’t even there for that long because Katy wanted to go home, and she was our driver, so she dropped Katherine and I off at home.

We got home and realized we were both starving … so we went to a food place which is open until 2 and it was like 1:55 LOL. Katherine drove, she wasn’t very drunk at all (neither was I, but I probably was more than her). And it’s is really close to our house.

We just got fries and then came home and ate. Then after the fries were gone I decided I wanted a sandwich and Katherine made herself waffles.

And then we had like an hour long heart-to-heart conversation. We talked about college and what I want in the college I go to. Which led us into talking about her school. And sororities. And her sorority. And majors. And how I want to do psychology.

It was a very nice conversation. 🙂 I wasn’t like woo-hoo-crazy-party-drunk, but I guess I was drunk enough to be a little more open when we were talking. I probably wouldn’t have talked to her for that long if I was sober.

So overall, the night was an adventure. It was fun … but probably not as fun as Thursday night. And I have no pictures from Friday.

On Saturday I got up and walked around the lake with Charla. Ah, memories of Summer! It was a nice walk and talk and catch-up.

Then I came home, went tanning with Katherine, and went to a mall to go shopping some more.

I got four shirts:

-this white shirt that I bought because it made me look tan. It’s like sweatshirt material, and has a hood and a pocket in the front, but it’s way v-neck (have to wear a tank top under it) and three-quarter length sleeves.
-a red v neck t shirt.
-a gray tank top with lace at the top and bottom.
-a gray and white striped polo t shirt.

So that trip was a success. By the time I got home, I was so tired from walking around the lake (three miles!) and walking all around the mall. So all I felt like doing was hanging out with some girls and watching a movie or something.

I ate dinner with my family, then went to Marina’s.

Me, Marina, and Lucy talked about a lot of things.

First, about the latest thing at our school right now … this guy who graduated in my sister’s grade committed suicide last weekend. He was friends with so many people. Like everyone I talk to knew him and loved him it seems like.

He was dealing coke and was in trouble with that, and people say he was in a gang. He wasn’t really doing anything with his life … he hanged himself with an extension cord in an abandoned warehouse. 😦

It’s just really sad. His funeral was yesterday. This girl who is a senior right now went out with him and had broken up with him like two weeks before he killed himself, so she is a complete wreck. She hasn’t been at school. And she’s a cheerleader … and the national cheerleading competition is right now, and she didn’t go and they had to edit their routine the day before they left.

I guess he was like full of coke when they found him.

I don’t know … just really sad.

Then Marina brought up that last summer her mom was going to kill herself. She had not told me that before, wow. I guess Marina’s mom had it all planned out and was going to do it where she was house-sitting and would have done it if Marina hadn’t ended up going with her.

That’s got to be so hard. Her mom is getting better, though …

On a completely different subject (well, still the subject of Marina), she also told me that … on Thursday night, she gave Devon a hand job.

WHILE Lucy and Brent were in the room, and they didn’t know. LMFAO. I’m glad I didn’t go.

This is what happened I guess: they were under a blanket, and Lucy and Brent were asleep (they were all watching a movie). Marina had her hands on her lap, and Devon was like caressing her hands and then moved her hands to his lap and kind of guided her to do it? I don’t really know … I didn’t ask for ALL the details. Then she just finished it I guess …

LOL Lucy was SO weirded out by it. I think it’s hilarious. But I wonder what is going to happen now. Michelle CAN’T find out, after what happened last time. I wonder when Marina and Devon will hook up again …

Anyway!! Then we all went and saw V for Vendetta. It was really, really good. I don’t even really like those types of movies that often, but it was good.

We saw and sat with Vanni, Matt, Elyse, Riley, and Dion there, too.

I got home at like midnight, and had a snack with Katherine and then we watched some OC. Then I went to bed …

And that was my weekend! It was good. And LONG. I love three-day weekends.

But now I have to do homework. 😦

Kristen and Dahlia are in Disneyland until Tuesday. I miss them! But at least Katherine’s here until they get back.

Okay … off to homework …