Tag Archives: dysthymic

a failing perfectionist

6 May
The past week I’ve been in an I-hate-the-world mood.

I hate: school, most people at my school, teachers, work, stress, overcast weather, the list goes on …

AP Tests are over now. Thank God.

However I still don’t feel the relief I thought I would feel when they were over.

Most of my teachers were “putting stuff off” until after the AP tests so I’m going to have just as much work to do in the next week as I did in the last week.

AP Tests were impossibly hard and I’m just not perfect enough to do well on them.

The past week I’ve really felt the pressure to be perfect and GAH.

Elyse & Eta annoy me. So does Vanni but with Vanni I actually feel like I want to be friends with her in the long run (well, kinda). With Elyse and Eta I just feel done.

But I have to be fake towards them. If I acted how I felt I would be a huge bitch. So I’m just fake-ish.

They’re just … indescribable. I don’t think everyone feels like reading a novel, and I don’t feel like writing one, so you’ll just have to trust me that they’re incredibly annoying.

They’re so PERFECT and think they’re above everyone, for one. I’ll just leave it at that.

School has been so stressful. On top of feeling the need to be perfect (and failing) … gah.

The APLA test: I studied the day before. I know I should’ve started earlier. But I just could never motivate myself or make myself. So I started on Sunday. I studied a lot on Sunday, though.

The test on Monday was … hard. I didn’t finish the multiple choice section. The essays were alright.

The APUSH test: I started studying on Tuesday. Did a group study with Michelle, Vanni, Alice, and Andrea and that was helpful. Studied what I felt like was a lot, but I always felt like I could do more and it was very overwhelming.

The test was today. It was hard. The multiple choice was hard. My essays were crap. Of course other people (more perfect people) probably thought it was easy and that just makes me sad.

I don’t mean to feel all oh-feel-sorry-for-me, but that’s how it’s turning out.

For Academy of Finance I was supposed to have an interview on Wednesday (which was just adding to my stress GOD) but it got canceled and I didn’t find out til Wednesday during the day, so that sucked. It was good and bad that it got canceled: good because it took some stress off, and bad because I’m just going to have to make it up …

In Pre-calc I have the lowest grade I’ve had all year. It’s like a B-. GOD. Major stressor here. And my teacher has been being an ass. He’s just crabby. I won’t go into specifics because I never do anymore but GRR he aggrivates me so much.

Even though my grade was so high in that class last quarter that I can still get like a B- and get an A in the class for the semester. But it would really bother me to get a bad grade when I know I CAN do better. I’ve never gotten below like an 86% or so in a class! Not that it makes a difference, it’ll just say “B” and it won’t even be on my transcript but STILL. I’m just a perfectionist but a failing one. It’s hard to be a failing perfectionist!!

My mom says I’m being too hard on myself (in general) but I can’t help it. It’s like, last year I was kind of good but right now I’m slipping back into that perfectionist-comparing myself to everyone mentality that I had freshman year and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s not like I can just tell myself not to care because I DO care. And I thought it would get better after AP tests, but we’ll see …

Anyways. Chemistry is also kind of stressing me out, but not because of my grade, that’s fine, but because I have old old missing assignments that I need to just get DONE and turn them in, but I can’t seem to get around to them. Maybe now that AP tests are over (see what I mean? I just keep putting things off until after the tests).

This week was also stressful because I kept having to retake/take/makeup/finish tests/homework/etc before school, during break, during lunch, and after school. So I didn’t get to do things I had wanted to do. Like talk to my friends since we’re drifting apart or go to club meetings.

Like this one club that is a mentoring thing that’s coming to my school. Upperclassmen mentor freshman and it looks cool. I think it sounds cute. 🙂 They need 40 from my class, and I definitely think I’m in the top 40 of my class …

Of course, to get support for the program started, they had teachers recommend some students. You didn’t have to be recommended to do it, but it got people to know what it is and stuff. I didn’t get recommended. 😦 Stupid people like Mya did. That was just annoying.

Oh! And then there was Key Club/NHS nominating and voting for next years’ officers.

So on Tuesday I had Key Club. I’m secretary this year so I knew I wanted to run for something again next year. It makes sense, RIGHT, to be something like secretary one year and then run for VP or something higher the next? (Not that it matters what I am because Eta, the president, doesn’t include me in any of the planning or anything)

Well, I get to the meeting on Tuesday and I have second lunch. A ton of people have first lunch so they had already decided who was running for what in that lunch.

Keep in mind that Charla is NOT stupid or clueless or any way whatsoever and she CANNOT play that card because she got a 2340 on her SAT and well, she just isn’t stupid. So she knew I wanted to run for VP.

AND she is already running for President of NHS and will probably win.

But I get there and she is running for VP! UGH. And I didn’t want to run against her because we’re such good friends. And then Eta is running for president again and Elyse is running for treasurer. So I’m left to run for … secretary again. GREAT! And even that I have to run against Kim, who I like and don’t want to run against. But they left me no choice!! It just made me so mad because gee, my friends in first lunch REALLY left me no room to be a Key Club officer at all next year.

Maybe I just won’t run. Cross my name off the list. What kind of a club would it be run by Eta, Charla, and Elyse, anyway? Super perfect and … can’t think of the word … just making people feel bad about themselves 24/7 on every scale possible. Maybe I don’t even want to be in it next year. Will it REALLY make that much of a difference on college apps? Hmmm …

That just pissed me way off.

Oh, and then, I was saying how I didn’t want to run against Charla and Fer was like, “I will!” which just made me mad because even though I’m annoyed-ish with Charla at the moment, Fer was more than willing to run against Charla which just pisses me off. People dislike Charla for no reason. It just seems like since I generally like the same types of people, and I like both of them a lot, they could like each other. It’s not like any event happened between them that is making Fer hold a grudge. But nooo, she just can’t like Charla.

Then on Wednesday NHS elections were held.

For president: Charla vs. Elyse
GOD I didn’t really want to vote for either of them. I was tempted to not vote. But I knew that in the long run, even though I’m a tad annoyed with Charla for now, I would rather have a club run by her than Elyse.

For treasurer: Kim vs. Jillian
I wanted to vote for Jillian and know she would do a better job. But now that I’m running against Kim for NHS … I just feel kind of bad for running against her because we’re friends-ish and I would be kind of upset if someone I thought I was friends-ish was running against me. And it would be sad if she lost both. So I voted for her. Then again, if she wins both, that would be even worse for me. Hmm.

In the other areas of friends …

Marina and I are good. Michelle and I are pretty good, but she has all these other friends that she has made since we have been drifting apart and that bothers me. Not like bothers me enough to do anything about it like be really jealous, just makes me sad that me and Michelle don’t have all the same friends anymore. That my group in general is/has splitting/split up.

I guess MY group of friends used to be THE group, and everyone was friends with everyone. Now MY group of friends is about a billion different little groups, and it’s complicated when people don’t like other people and then certain little groups are also part of another little group that I’m not part of …

For example, Fer doesn’t like Charla. Charla doesn’t dislike Fer but they aren’t friends (but that’s all Fer’s doing). Marina doesn’t like Fer and vice versa. Vanni doesn’t like Charla and Charla doesn’t know this but gets annoyed with Vanni. Marina didn’t used to like Charla (AT ALL) but now they get along very well (that = happy happy happy). Michelle and Marina were in a fight for awhile (about Devin stuff) and are getting better. It’s just complicated … I can’t hang out with ALL my good friends at once like I used to be able to.

It’s like there’s no group anymore. I think of a group like how we used to be. For example Vanni’s birthday party would be the same people as Fer’s birthday party and as my birthday party because we all had the same friends. And those parties would just be like any other weekend because we all hung out together all the time anyway.

I guess some diversity is good, but …

Then there’s boys.

Or lack thereof.

In my last entry (I think it was) I talked about how there are no boys I could like (all I want is to LIKE someone, make life a little more interesting. PLEASE that’s all I’m asking for). That night I looked through the yearbook for possibilities and I found three, count em THREE, boys I could crush on. One was this kid in my Chemistry class who’s name I can’t think of right now. He’s just cute and I don’t know anything about him so that’s appealing.

Two was this kid who I have seen like TWICE in the hall, and he is very cute and from what I know about him seems nice. Unreachable though, since I don’t know him at all or know anymore who knows him or ever talk to him or see him.
Three is a senior in my Chemistry class who I think is cute and seems nice. Just found out he asked Stephani to prom though, so that crosses that one off the list.

GOD. The sad thing is even if cute/better guys DID go to my school, they would get like gobbled up by other girls who are ______er than me (prettier, flirtier, smarter, etc). Pessimissic, I know.

Speaking of prom, Elyse is going. One more thing to add to the list of why she is so perfect, and she knows it. That’s the annoying part, that she knows it and flaunts it and brags and is frickin annoying. Eta on the otherhand is just really really self righteous. I thought of her when I was studying for the APUSH test and the South thought the North had too many -isms (feminism, abolitionism, etc). It just made me think of her.

AND Michelle got asked to prom but said no (idiot!). Lots of other junior girls are going. To go along with the theme of this entry: just makes me feel bad, inferior …

Finally, there is family.

Katherine is home this weekend for her friend’s wedding.

I might go to the wedding, but I don’t really want to. Weddings bore me like no other if I don’t know the person that well [anymore]. Yeah, I’ve known her since I was born but what do I really know about her TODAY? That she is pregnant with this guys kid so they are having a rush wedding and that I would have to figure out what to wear and how to make small talk with random people I haven’t seen in forever. Yeah, probably not going.

Plus, it’s the day right after the AP test and the only reason I would go to this wedding would be to TRY to get drunk. Because that is my goal for sometime in the near future.

Kristen was SO ANNOYING tonight. I had to pick her up from the bar because she couldn’t drive. But then on the way home she was saying how she might go out again later. Why the heck did I pick you up then?! And then she decided ice cream. We got to the place, she changed her mind. We got home, she stayed in the car and told Katherine to stay and didn’t start talking til I closed my door. Gee, thanks. Glad to see we’re still in seventh grade. And I could HEAR them, because she is a drunken idiot. Kristen wanted to go back out with Katherine but didn’t think I would want to drive them or something. And she was saying how alll her friends would be so happy to see Katherine. I’m glad she considers me a friend, too. Because she definitely doesn’t. She STILL sees me as her immature little sister and just doesn’t care. I consider her one of my best friends, but whatever.

Katherine was kind of annoying too. Whenever we go somewhere together, she uses the time in the car (and sometimes that’s the only time where WE could get to talk because it’s just us) to return all her phone calls. This means 1) we don’t get to talk and it just seems like she doesn’t care, 2) I have to turn down the radio so she can hear and 3) I have to listen to her stupid annoying sorority sister gossip.

In other news, apparently Dahlia is moving in with us. I only heard this second hand (in one of Katherine’s phone calls today). I’m so glad my family tells me things and updates me! That is all I know, really. Dahlia’s mom is moving out of her apartment because she can’t afford rent (on top of chemo) and into her other daughter’s apartment (who probably can’t afford to take care of/feed/etc her mom because she isn’t that well off either) and Dahlia is moving in here. Or something. I don’t know. It’s just sad. Dahlia isn’t herself. And I don’t feel the same way about her. I still love her (unconditionally) but I’m not all like “Aw I love Dahlia she’s so nice!” all the time. I’m just, meh whatever. I don’t feel like she ever considered me a great friend anyway. Kristen is “the only one who understands” her.

One more thing. I need to change the vibe I give off to people, apparently. Lately I keep finding out that people always think I’m mad or sad or rolling my eyes at them or snobby or SOMEthing, and I totally don’t even feel that way all the time. I think I roll my eyes because my eyes are dry. Well, sometimes it’s definitely intended but not ALWAYS. I don’t know. People just think I’m … not happy or friendly.

sigh. tomorrow is a me day. I hope hope hope it’s nice out so I can sit outside and just RELAX.

Oh, PS. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t even watched Idol yet from this week! Tuesday night’s, I mean. I kind of watched Wednesday. THAT RIGHT THERE IS EXTREME.

are you okay?

9 January, 2006

Today was okay. We had the APLA quiz and it was hard. And then we didn’t get to do our skit and get it over with, which is what I want to do.

In Pre-Calc we got this stupid project. I hate projects. They’re so middle school/freshman year, and luckily I’ve been able to go all of junior year so far with no projects that were TOO painful. But now this one. Ugh. But some of it is extra credit, which I don’t need in that class, so that’s good.

In Chemistry we had a lab. It’s really weird because we have a student teacher in that class, and he sits in the corner and observes. But he has only been here for like a week, and at least 2 or 3 times a day I look up and he is looking at me at that exact time too. It’s … weird. And today he watched me and Fer do our lab and was like, “You’re doing it wrong. I can tell.” He isn’t intimidating like some other student teachers but he just rubs me the wrong way.

Last week, Fer asked me if I think Vanni is “okay”. I had never thought about it before. Today Fer said she got a chance to talk to Vanni this weekend, and that just like a lot of little things are piling up and just depressing Vanni. She is pretty stressed with homework (understandable because she has a really hard schedule. Harder than me, and I’m probably smarter than her) and school in general. And she is sad that she has gained weight, and her and Matt’s relationship isn’t going that well, and she feels left out sometimes in the group, like not invited. (Fer told me this stuff).

I just feel bad, because I totally understand. Sometimes all these little things pile up and then when someone asks what’s wrong, you don’t want to mention just ONE of them because alone, it seems so insignificant. But when it’s all together it is bad and I just know how she feels.

I want her to know that I know how she feels and that I’m here for her but I don’t really know what to say. I TOTALLY understand though … but now I feel like if I say anything about it, I’m just being nosy or something because Fer noticed it first. Or, like, I’m just saying it because I want her to like me better than Fer or I want to look better than Fer, but that’s totally not how it is. I just want her to know I understand. I should just tell her.

Switching gears, now. In APLA we got essays back, I got a 6/7 (as in border between 6 or 7) out of 9. At first I thought it meant 6 OUT OF 7, and I was pretty proud of myself. But 6/7 is still good.

And in APUSH we got a study guide back, and I got a 10, which I hadn’t gotten in awhile. And next to one of my short answer questions she wrote, “Wow, this is totally amazing!” yay. 😀

And then she talked about her “date” on Friday. Haha that was cute.

In Ceramics I worked on my picture frame … but I’m so ready for that class to be over because I’m not determined at all anymore and all my stuff turns out crappy. It doesn’t matter because I still have a high A in the class, but it’s not good for my confidence, lol.

I was reading old entries from October – December 2004, because I was looking for something. It was weird, reading back, how much things have CHANGED in a little more than a year. Marina and I were not on good terms then, but I could tell just by reading it that we’ve both grown up a lot since then. Also, I was still friends with Anna and I wasn’t really with Charla yet. I considered Michelle my best friend. I always think that I’ve maintained the same friends throughout high school, but reading that proved that I really haven’t … I never even talk to Anna anymore. I don’t talk to Michelle half as much as I did then, and I talk to Charla 4598740587 times as much as I did then. Also, haha, I complained about how obsessed Marina was with drinking and yeah … now I understand.

Anyways, this is what I was looking for. It’s from when I went to the child psychiatrist place to get an evaluation or whatever. I wanted to know what they said.

And now I remember: they didn’t necessarily say I HAVE these, but they mentioned dysthymic disorder a lot and unspecified depression a lot. Good to know.

I didn’t really know then, but now I am thinking dysthymic disorder sounds about right. Because lately I have been thinking a lot about depression and whether I have it or not. It’s so hard to tell because my moods change so much and I don’t know, it’s just really hard to tell. I’ve been feeling down lately though. I don’t know.

Sorry for being so nondescript, but it’s pretty hard to describe. I was just curious, I guess, to what they said a year ago. If they said it a year ago, I wonder if it’s still the same? I think so, dysthymic disorder is supposed to be like, depressed, but not AS bad as actual depression … or something. And I don’t think I’ve felt bad enough to be considered really depressed so if anything, it would probably still be dysthymic disorder.